Oh what a shallow world we live in, when wearing the ugliest dress in the history of couture can make a talent-free ‘actress’ rich and famous. I feel I know Liz Hurley’s boobs better than she does, since she ges them out at every photo-opportunity.

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In the remake of House of Wax, Paris Hilton achieved the remarkable feat of appearing more like a waxwork before being turned into one. Try ‘acting’ again, Paris, and we’ll kidnap your chihuahua.

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Oh dear, Madonna. The list of shame that is your ‘acting’ career is too long for me to include here. Your confidence and persistence would be admirable were it not for the fact that you made the cinema-going public pay the price, in more ways than one.

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Why, oh why, is she described as an actress? An actress should be able to act. Acting involves being able to convincingly pretend to be someone else. Ms Knightley just makes me want to slap her in every film, because all I can see is her simpering face.

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George Lucas, j’accuse. By making this casting decision you ruined the original trilogy. Just how seriously can we now take Darth Vader, the most evil villlain in the Universe, when we have seen him as a sulky teenager stamping his feet and wailing ‘it’s not fair!’

To quote Weird Al, ‘I sued Ben Affleck … do I even need a reason?’ Halfway decent in Dogma, but not as good as Matt Damon. In every other film might as well have ‘Bad Actor’ signposted above his head. More wooden than the average forest.

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Having a rhyming name does not make a man funny. Go away. Go away now.

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Okay, Megan Fox, you’re pretty. Go be a model, dear. Spare us the attempts at acting.

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So bad, he’s not even worth checking if I’ve spelt his name correctly. Mercifully quiet lately. Perhaps even Matthew himself has realised his total lack of acting ability.

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Now, this is hardly an exhaustive list, and there are many more ‘actors’ to keep this bunch company. Who would you name as unworthy of putting ‘actor’ under profession in their passport?

Top Photo Credit: Daviidzziitoo