You’re not alone in finding this maddening. In an Australian survey by Body+Soul, reported by Vice, mixed signals topped the list of modern dating frustrations at 55%, ahead of ghosting (37%) and unclear intentions (35%). The survey covered more than 2,000 Australians aged 18 to 80, according to News Corp Australia.

Psychiatrist Amir Levine, co-author of Attached, suggests calling it something else. “Instead of calling it mixed signals, really, what it is, is uncertainty,” he told Body+Soul, as quoted by Vice.

And uncertainty is sticky. In a study in Psychological Science, college women looked at the Facebook profiles of men who had supposedly seen and rated their profiles. Women who weren’t sure how much the men liked them were the most attracted to them, even more than women told the men liked them a lot. They also thought about the men the most, and that thinking boosted the attraction. It was a small study (Vice reports 47 participants), but anyone who’s refreshed their messages all evening will recognize the feeling.

In other words, the not-knowing can make you think about someone more, and thinking about them more can make you like them more. That’s not a sign they’re special. It’s a sign you need information.

1. They Want Attention

Some people enjoy being wanted more than they want a relationship. They may thrive on attention or simply be lonely, so they warm up when they need a boost, then cool off. It’s not fair, but it happens.

2. You Might Be a Backup

This one stings: sometimes mixed signals mean you’re being kept around as an option while they look elsewhere. They may like you, but not enough to choose you. Here are the signs you’ve been benched.

3. They’re Testing the Waters

Not everyone is direct. Someone shy, nervous about rejection or unsure what to do may send a little signal, then wait to see how you react before sending more.

4. They’re Not Ready

They flirt, then pull back. Sometimes that means they’re not ready for anything serious, but don’t love the idea of you moving on, either. If this sounds familiar, read the secret to nailing down a commitment-phobe.

5. They Want Sex, Not a Relationship

Some people want the perks of closeness without the commitment. If you only hear from them late at night or the plans never go beyond your place, check these signs it’s just sex, not a relationship.

6. Get a Second Opinion

Before you spiral, show the group chat. Better still, bring a trusted friend next time you’re all out. They might see clear interest you’re overthinking, or confirm that it really is confusing.

7. Put Yourself in Their Shoes, and Make Sure You’re Not Missing the Point

Sometimes a signal is perfectly clear and we’re reading more into it than is there. A smile can just be a smile. Try seeing it from their side: is this how they are with everyone, or is there actually a message?

8. See If It Holds Up Sober

Alcohol makes plenty of people friendlier and more forward than usual. If the big interest only shows up three drinks in, meet up in daylight and see whether it’s still there.

9. Ask Their Friends, Carefully

Their friends can tell you if this is how they are with everyone. Just don’t turn their friends into detectives or messengers. That rarely ends well for anyone.

10. Get to Know Them a Bit

Hang out in a group and watch. If they flirt with everyone at the party, flirting may simply be their style rather than a message for you.

11. Nice Guys Do Exist

Some people are naturally warm, polite and complimentary to everyone. If they’re this lovely to the barista too, it may be kindness, not a crush.

12. Sometimes They Forget

Life gets busy, and people do drop the ball. One missed call isn’t a verdict. But Levine’s point stands: consistency over time is the real signal. One lapse is life. A pattern is information.

13. They Don’t Want Anything Serious

If things were intense and then fizzled, it may be nothing you did. They might simply not want a long-term relationship. If you’re stuck somewhere in the middle, our guide to situationships vs emotionships can help you name it and decide what to do.

14. Some People Do It for Show

Some people act cool around their friends, then sweet when it’s just the two of you. If they can’t show interest in public, ask yourself whether that’s something you’re happy to live with.

15. They’re Confused

Some people genuinely don’t know what they want, and their signals are as mixed as their feelings. People are allowed to change their minds. It would just be nice if they told you.

16. They’re Scared

Fear of rejection can make someone back off right when things are going well. Some people also pull away as things get closer, which is something you might recognize in these ways to spot an avoidant. Reassurance can help, but you can’t love someone out of their fear.

17. Watch the Pattern, Not the Text

One sweet message doesn’t cancel three weeks of silence, and one slow reply doesn’t cancel a great month. Look at what happens over time: do they follow through on plans? Our guide to confusing guy habits that are actually easy to interpret can help.

18. Notice the Story-Watcher Who Never Texts

Watching every Story but never reaching out keeps you in their orbit without any effort on their part. It’s attention, not interest. Don’t mistake it for a plan.

19. Ask for What You Want, Then Watch What They Do

This is the one that actually clears things up. Levine’s advice, via Vice, is to ask for what you want early on and pay attention to the response. If you had a good date, say you’d like to see them again and suggest a plan. You can even say you’d rather know when you’re seeing someone than spend the week guessing. Then watch: someone who wants to see you will make plans or suggest a better night.

After a good date:

“I had a great time. Want to do [specific plan] on Thursday?”

After a quiet spell:

“I’d rather know when I’m seeing someone than guess all week. Are you up for a plan this weekend?”

When you’re done:

“I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I don’t think we’re on the same page. I wish you the best.”

Levine says that if you’ve lost interest, you should tell the other person. It’s uncomfortable, but they deserve to know.

Sometimes the answer is already there. Watch for:

It cuts both ways. Levine suggests saying in your dating profile that consistency matters to you, if it does. And if you’ve lost interest, say so kindly rather than going quiet. For friendships too, here’s how to avoid sending mixed signals to male friends.

Still not sure? Try our Decode His Mixed Signals quiz.

What do mixed signals from a guy mean?

Usually uncertainty: they’re interested sometimes but not consistently, they’re unsure what they want, or they want something different from you. The clearest way to find out is to suggest a specific plan and see what they do.

Why do mixed signals make you like someone more?

Uncertainty makes you think about the person more, and that can boost attraction. In a small study in Psychological Science, college women who weren’t sure how much a man liked them were the most attracted to him and thought about him the most.

Are mixed signals a sign he’s not interested?

Not always, but repeated vague answers, excuses and no follow-through usually mean he isn’t interested enough. Someone who wants to see you will make plans.

How do you respond to mixed signals?

Stop decoding and ask. Tell them you’d like to see them again, suggest a specific plan, and pay attention to the response.

When should you stop waiting on someone who sends mixed signals?

When you keep getting vague answers or excuses after you’ve clearly asked for a plan. At that point, the pattern is the answer.