"Obsession" sounds so…….extreme.

Sometimes though, when you have a new man on your mind, thereality is that you are a woman obsessed:
• you wake up to the thought of him• you keep re-playing in your mind the last contact you twohad• at least once an hour you wonder where he is and what he’sdoing• all songs remind you of what it’s like to be with him, orwithout him• if a phone call, text message, or email isn’t from him, you're disappointed• one minute you’re certain that he wants you as much as you want him, the next minute you’re imagining that he doesn’t want you at all• you wear your friends out talking about him• you feel out-of-control and, at the same time, incredibly alive• as you drift off to sleep at night, you imagine him in bed besideyou

If this is how you’re feeling, I’d never dream of talking you out of it! Falling in love, or in lust, is one of the mostintense, wonderful, and crazy-making experiences you get to have.

But please. Don’t allow it to make you act like you're crazy.

Even for a smart, otherwise reasonable woman, obsessive thinking about a new man in her life can quickly turn into a fatal attraction reaction.

How?

Start with any unresolved, nagging insecurities you might have in general, or with that man in particular. Then, add an unrealistic expectation of how emotionally close you and he already are.

And craziness is on the way.

You, pushing him for reassurances and frequent contact to chase away your insecurities. You, acting like the two of you are a couple when you're still just getting to know each other. You, telling him [oh no!] how you can't stop thinking about him.

Physical attraction has a way of fooling you into thinking that you're close to and familiar with each other, even during the first several months when you're still pretty much strangers. Sex intensifies that sensation. With the help of a hormone called oxytocin, which is released during orgasm, both men and women experience more intense feelings of bonding with their sexual partner.

But there's a twist. Testosterone production in men apparently helps counteract those "getting closer" feelings.

Which means that if you weren't already obsessing about him BEFORE sex, you're even more likely to be obsessing about him AFTER sex. And chances are good that he's not obsessing about you in the same way.

Like I'm always pounding on about: there are so many good reasons to wait a while to have sex. Now you know one more.

Still, a surge of oxytocin isn't the only thing that can bring on a woman's fatal attraction reaction.

Obsessive thinking over a new man during the first several months of dating turns ugly so often because we've forgotten something: the art of savoring the experience of falling in love.

Instead, we're impatient. For emotional connection. To be part of a couple. To be able to say, "He's mine," if only to justify our decision to sleep with him in the first place!

Meanwhile, we're missing the pleasures of revealing ourselves more slowly, of not knowing what comes next with a man -- at least for the first three or four months of "courting" and getting to know each other.

What do you think. Can you wait that long?

And would the average man perhaps like that timeline, too...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

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Feedback Junction

Where Thoughts and Opinions Converge

First and foremost I want to thank you, Sheila, for replying to our posts individually and for the support you give to each girl here. I also appreciate what you wrote to me; it means a lot. Hope everything's well for you. Take care!

Hi, I have been with a guy for six years and at first it was all going really good and he would do everything to make me smile. A year down the line we got engaged and have been with each other all this time. However all we do is argue and argue all the time. I feel really unsecure about him and dont want to lose him because i love him too much to let go and dont want all these years i have spent with him to be wasted. I feel really depressed all the time, it has been 4 years now since when this routine of just arguing is going on and he just doesnt seem to care about me no more. Please advice me on how to make him feel like he use to about me before. I will be really really thankful.

@ sheila I have a friend iI have been friend with for 2 1/2 years but we are best friend so hes married him and his wife have a son but they separeted but our friedship have alof prob because of the girl family they blame for no reason because of that I try alot to break the friendship and not talkin but I cant do it please help me cause I wna no wat to do thanks.

p.s. ( i grinned to myself when i had sent him that message, (He never replied to that one lol) - expecially because i found out he had had got in to a relationship with a girl a few weeks if that after dating me and had only just broke up with her within a month lol.. - Humpf! –) (Thank you Facebook for sharing that information with me!)) lol. the cheek of him!! xxx

Hi, We started dating in Feb 2009. In the beginning everything was good but slowly small fights started. I didnt have a proper job and started wrongly taking out my frustration on him. We shared the same apartment but still didnt get time to go out on dates often as our day offs never matched. I just wanted more attention from him and was getting impatient. Anyway in Sept 2009 he told me “I want a break, give me space and time” As we were staying together I couldnt leave him alone and became obsessed and acted crazy. He treated me very badly during that time though I realise now it was all my fault. From Sept to beginning of Dec I didnt leave him alone. He told me “the more u r doing this.. u r putting more distance between us”, “u dont come and talk to me.. i will come and talk to u”. Anyway from Dec I left him completely alone though I bought him a bday cake. He told me “it means a lot to me”. I didnt talk to him from Dec and in Jan end he came to me and told me “I know I have been a complete ass to u.. lets start everything fresh.. lets be friends first” Anyway I said yes and then we sort of started talking again. But I guess I was not ready to talk to him as just a friend and again with my emotions pushed him away. The last day I spoke to him sometime in Feb 2010 he tried to close his door on my house and then he told me “What part dont u understand”. I realised then (Too late.. I know) that he had not asked me for a break but had really broken up with me.. and I was foolish enough to stay in that house waiting for him. Anyway feb 2010 I deleted him from Facebook as I realised that I was checking his profile every day and stalking him which scared me. Then I found out that he blocked me on Facebook. I started looking for a place immediately. It took me some time to get a place but finally I moved into this new place in May 2010. After that I went into severe depression as everything finally sinked in and I realised how much a fool I looked. Some of our mutual friends used to call me to find out how I am, asked me “u expect a call from him or what”. I also got to know from them that he left that apartment and he also changed his number. So he blocked me on Facebook, changed his number, moved from that apartment, thus he doesnt want to interact me ever. I felt more hurt. Finally as my job contract ended I decided to take a break from everything and planned a trip to my country for 4 months. The day I was leaving another of our mutual friends called me asking me “Are u still waiting for him?” I laughed it off saying that he is history. Anyway I had fun in my country, went out on some dates with guys there. I feel much more confident now. But I still miss my ex not the way I used to miss before but still miss him as a person. After coming back to this country 2 weeks back I found that he has unblocked me on Facebook. I dont want to look needy or desperate but I would like to add him as a friend. I dont know what to do. I realise that I was stupid and too much into him etc and basically scared him. But now I feel I can consider him as just a friend but at the same time I dont want to look needy or desperate. The thing is I deleted him from Facebook so I know if I want communication lines to be open, I only have to make a move. But again I dont want to look needy and desperate as I have behaved like that in the past. What do I do? Or should I just leave it thinking that he can add me as well? What do I do?

This article is very interesting. I am afraid to have a fatal relationship if I am thinking of my date all the times. We only met twice for two months. I like him a lot because how he treats me very nice. Right now, he's out of town to visit his family for Christmas break. It is hard to contact him because he is focusing on his priority things on grad school and looking for a job. I contacted him a few times to see how he was doing; he replied back but not talking a lot - I leave him alone because I don't want him to think I am clingy on him. The last conversation was 7 days ago - I am afraid to lose him. I will see if he would greet me on Christmas Day or will I contact him back? Hmm...