They say you can fix a broken vase but the glue will always show. Now, that may work for glassware but relationships are something else. It’s true that, once an adultery has been committed, you can’t expect the things to go back to normal overnight, but many couples have managed to beat the odds, get past the cheating episode and live happily ever after. So, if you’re the one that cheated, the one that is trying to get past the partner’s infidelity or, if you just know a person that might use an advice – here are 7 steps that will make dealing with the situation easier.
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1. Think Things through
The cheating one has to decide whether he loves his partner enough to do everything possible to salvage the relationship. Cheating is the worst thing you can do and it would be foolish to expect the other person to say, “Ok, I forgive you. Now, did you get that shampoo I asked you to pick up on your way home?” It takes a lot of hard work and sacrifice! Now, if you have been cheated on, I can totally understand how you feel right now. And, believe me, hiding it and pretending you don’t care is wrong. Let it all out, cry, don’t keep the pain bottled up inside. Once that is out of your system you will be able to think more rationally and decide whether you want the cheater back or no.
2. Get to the Bottom of It
Talking about the things that made you or your partner resort to cheating is not easy but it’s the only way. You see, I think most of my relationships failed because of the fact that I like to shove problems under the rug and pretend that everything is OK. Now, that’s definitely the easier way but it only leads to more problems and ends with cheating, breaking up or both. Find the problems and work up the solutions so you could have a fresh start.
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3. Forget the Words and Focus on the Acts
“I love you” sure did mean a lot before that cheating episode but, honestly, it’s worth a diddly squat now! So, if you are the cheating one, find other ways to demonstrate your love and regain your “relationship credibility”. Just make sure they don’t involve material things because your loved one might feel like you are trying to buy their love. Explain how sorry you are, take responsibility for your actions and be prepared to answer all the questions your partner may have.
4. Forgive and Forget
Your partner had cheated on you, you’ve discussed it and decided to move on and try to make it work. Congratulations for letting the love win! However, jealousy and the lack of trust may interfere here so make sure that, once you forgive your cheating partner and learn a lesson, you observe the cheating episode as a thing of the past. Your partner should help you with that by working hard to regain your trust and you should be open to that. Don’t give in easily because he/she has to learn a lesson too, but don’t fall into the trap of using that mistake as an excuse to act jealous, make insulting comments or make him/her suffer.
5. Rekindle the Old Flames
Think about the things that brought you two together, that made you grow strong as a couple and re-experience those moments. Start going to dinners and visiting museums once again or go camping, hiking or anything you like. Do all those things you used to do while your relationship was still fresh. You see, one of the most common reasons for cheating is the feeling of being stuck in a rut. And, let’s face it, all relationships go through that boring phase when one person knows exactly what the other person will say, do or suggest.
6. Don’t Be Vindictive
Your partner’s cheating is not your get-out-of-jail-free card. If you take his cheating as a permission to cheat back once the good opportunity comes out, what’s the point of saving the relationship now only to destroy it again in a couple of days, months or years?
7. Work on the Trust
Every healthy relationship is build upon trust so, once you manage to trust each other again, things can go their usual way. Sometimes it takes years to get the relationship to what it used to be before the “unfortunate event”, sometimes you realize that you can never feel the same for that person again but sometimes, cheating or being cheated on opens your eyes and makes you realize how much you love that person and how you can’t stand the thought of losing her. The cheater should work very hard on rebuilding that trust – no lies, no checking out other girls/guys and no shutting off the phone.
What is your take on this? Have you ever been in this situation and, if yes, how did you deal with it? Feel free to add more tips and share your opinion on cheating, forgiving and moving on. Would you find it in your heart to forgive or would you break up immediately?
Comments
Jennifer: 3 weeks ago my boyfriend broke up with me and the next day i got drunk and slept with his best friend. I told my boyfriend the next day because this is something i could not keep to myself. He threw out all my stuff and told me to never speak to him again. But he texted me every single day about how he missed me but was so angry and couldnt believe id do something like that. I told him i did it because i was numb and depressed and his best friend manipulated me and i didnt sleep with him because i liked him Ive apologised a thousand times. Me and my ex saw each other a couple of times and i thought we were going to get back together, and then after a couple of weeks he texted me saying it was over. Then about 5 days later he started texting me again saying he missed me and he's back to not knowing if he wants me back. I feel so awful about what i did and im doing all i can to make up for it and its killing me that he doesnt know what hes going to do because none of us can heal properly. Im so scared, i want him back so much and im doing everything i can. What should i do? What do you think? I really need help
Julz: My husband is trying everything to "make it up to me" after I got tired of him cheating on me with numerous women and I asked him for a divorce. We have gone for therapy, he has been cooking, cleaning, making romantic gestures, leaving his phone out and about when before it was glued to his hand, coming home on time...you name it he is doing it. And you know what it means zilch to me! I just can't believe the man I loved with my entire being could be so cold, cruel and just downright heartless. I actually think I hate him. Whatever efforts he's been making are met with disinterest on a good day or insults and maybe flying furniture on a bad day. I'm so angry and hurt I can't see past my rage. I love this man but he hurt me so bad. For six good months he was ignoring me, starting fights with me, refusing to touch me, lying to me, disap pearing for days on end and much worse. I was trying so hard to "fix" things and make my marriage work and he just got worse and it was becoz of his whores. I lost close to 20kgs from stress, got so depressed I just wanted to sleep and never get up, was crying at least twice a day, felt like I was losing my mind and almost got fired from job coz I was a wreck. And now he wants to fix things when he broke it? Hell no! I think I can accept the fact that the pain he caused me is stronger than I am.
Jelena: You did good for telling him that, Rebecca. I'm proud of you:) A friend of mine cheated on her bf but she never told him that- he found out months later. I was actually present at that time, her phone was off and he knew she was with me so he kept calling and sending angry texts on my phone... things got REALLY ugly, I tell you. Anyways, they worked it out eventually- he loved her too much to let her go. I know they talked on the phone a lot those days, she tried not to leave the house too much, only when needed. No parties, no coffees with friends, nothing that could make him think, "She's out there having fun while you're suffering". Oh yeah, and her phone had to be on at all times. She'd freak out if her battery was low and had to text or call him immediately. And she does that even now, almost a whole year after the unfortunate event. Okay, they are a bit strange couple but that's the only cheating episode in a long distance relationship I can think of at the moment. Since it's a long distance relationship I'd suggest doing something unusual- send him a love letter, for example! Go visit him right away if you can. You will work that out, I'm sure of that. And, when you do, do everything you can to regain his trust. Maybe this sounds like I'm suggesting you should give up your own "privacy" or "send reports" of everything you do, heavens, no! The truth is that, when one cheats, a huge amount of trust is lost. So you must earn it back by showing him you have nothing to hide. P.S- Bravo for being honest and telling him. Most people would keep quiet and be like, "it's just a kiss, it didn't mean anything." Good luck and I'm keeping you my fingers crossed:) P.S.S- Gee, I wrote a novel! I guess I should stick to blogs, huh? :D
Editha: I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years at the start of this year. Thing is we had just broken up but were in the process of mending. I was truly shattered when we did break up and turned to someone I definitely shouldn't have. He recently found out but never said anything until today. I really want to work it out, I love him to much to let this relationship go.
Anonymus: I have never yet gone through this situation but I appreciate this post. Thank you for this blog.
belinda99german: new update!! just sucked my friends nose! tongue entered nostrils snotty but satisfying SOS
Rebecca: I recently cheated on my long distance boyfriend of 8 months on my work night out (I kissed another guy). I told him straight away which now I'm not sure was such a good idea. I mean.. I wanted to be honest with him but maybe I just told him to get rid of my guilt.. Anyway, he's really hurt as this has happened to him a lot in the past. He said he's ended it with every other girlfriend who's done this to him there and then.. but that he cares too much about me to break it off and that he thinks we can make it work. He says he's really angry with me, doesn't want to talk to me at the moment and that I need to give him time which I am going to do. I just want to know what I can do since this is going to be a lot harder since we don't live in the same city. Any suggestions will be appreciated.
Becky: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. I just recently admitted to cheating on him in our first year of dating and he has broken things off. I want so desperately to be with him and don't know how to make things work...
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