"Obsession" sounds so…….extreme.

Sometimes though, when you have a new man on your mind, thereality is that you are a woman obsessed:
• you wake up to the thought of him• you keep re-playing in your mind the last contact you twohad• at least once an hour you wonder where he is and what he’sdoing• all songs remind you of what it’s like to be with him, orwithout him• if a phone call, text message, or email isn’t from him, you're disappointed• one minute you’re certain that he wants you as much as you want him, the next minute you’re imagining that he doesn’t want you at all• you wear your friends out talking about him• you feel out-of-control and, at the same time, incredibly alive• as you drift off to sleep at night, you imagine him in bed besideyou

If this is how you’re feeling, I’d never dream of talking you out of it! Falling in love, or in lust, is one of the mostintense, wonderful, and crazy-making experiences you get to have.

But please. Don’t allow it to make you act like you're crazy.

Even for a smart, otherwise reasonable woman, obsessive thinking about a new man in her life can quickly turn into a fatal attraction reaction.

How?

Start with any unresolved, nagging insecurities you might have in general, or with that man in particular. Then, add an unrealistic expectation of how emotionally close you and he already are.

And craziness is on the way.

You, pushing him for reassurances and frequent contact to chase away your insecurities. You, acting like the two of you are a couple when you're still just getting to know each other. You, telling him [oh no!] how you can't stop thinking about him.

Physical attraction has a way of fooling you into thinking that you're close to and familiar with each other, even during the first several months when you're still pretty much strangers. Sex intensifies that sensation. With the help of a hormone called oxytocin, which is released during orgasm, both men and women experience more intense feelings of bonding with their sexual partner.

But there's a twist. Testosterone production in men apparently helps counteract those "getting closer" feelings.

Which means that if you weren't already obsessing about him BEFORE sex, you're even more likely to be obsessing about him AFTER sex. And chances are good that he's not obsessing about you in the same way.

Like I'm always pounding on about: there are so many good reasons to wait a while to have sex. Now you know one more.

Still, a surge of oxytocin isn't the only thing that can bring on a woman's fatal attraction reaction.

Obsessive thinking over a new man during the first several months of dating turns ugly so often because we've forgotten something: the art of savoring the experience of falling in love.

Instead, we're impatient. For emotional connection. To be part of a couple. To be able to say, "He's mine," if only to justify our decision to sleep with him in the first place!

Meanwhile, we're missing the pleasures of revealing ourselves more slowly, of not knowing what comes next with a man -- at least for the first three or four months of "courting" and getting to know each other.

What do you think. Can you wait that long?

And would the average man perhaps like that timeline, too...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

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Feedback Junction

Where Thoughts and Opinions Converge

No
2012-11-18T05:19:08.000Z
It's been 2 months and I still can't stop thinking of him..... We don't talk @ all...... what can I do ...?????
Mona
2013-03-22T23:21:38.000Z
Hello Sheila! First off, thanks so much for doing this. Us women can be so vulnerable and fragile when it comes to love, and much guidance is needed for a balanced sanity.So thank you :-) I hope love is well for you... Ok! So my story: It was so weird how it all began. A little before I met this guy, i kept thinking about how i loved the scent of dirt and just being in a garden. Im a natural kind of girl so things like that tend to awaken me. It must have been some kind of sign bc soon after i met a guy whose nickname was that lol! He claimed he chose that nickname bc it brought him closer to the earth and such. Didnt think much of it. Then a few mos later i saw him again, gave him a compliment, he did the same, we talked,related and such. He walked me all the way to class, we exchanged numbers and it just felt familiar already. Soon after he started bugging me about hanging out. I was kind of iffy at first, bc some guys just can't be trusted when bugging so much, but some part of me thought it was cute, so i gave it a chance.While we chilled,i learned that we have a lot in common. Both artists, aspiring designers, same age, music (which is extremely important to me) was pretty much the same, and I hardly ever listen to mainstream so some digging is required for my taste. Later that night, we did the "unthinkable" and had sex wayy to soon! But I coudnt deny it. At the time i was still kind of lingering with some other guy, but it was just about over. When i broke up with him, i also to the new guy maybe we should just be friends. He agreed, but then a few weeks later we were back hot and heavy. Then he was trying to contact me a few times afterwards but my phone was acting weird so i didnt get it in time. I guess he felt i was ignoring him so he called it off this time. I wasnt so happy about it, but i accepted it. Few weeks down the line i was still thinking about him. A whole lot. Being annoying to my friends as you stated..so i asked him why? He stated "because i wanted to"... I sensed some attitude so i left it alone.Soon i began to feel really weak. Like he had taken a piece of me.But it was also weird bc I was really motivated to do more of my art when thinking about him. He started to get really mean and irritable around me, but when i suggested we just go apart ( as ive done more than once) he suggested we still be friends. I moved home a month later and a year later he is still ruling my mind!! we have made a little contact here and there, but i also found out he was back n forth with an ex of his. But we would still speak every now and then. Whenever we would talk on the phone, it would be for "atleast" two hours. Him revealing more to me each time. But still, it was very spaced out between time. At one point this passing jan, he mentioned how he wished we could be together. I told him i would soon return back to the city for work and school and a few weeks later.. he just stopped responding, altogether. I have been up and down, from hate to love and thinking about him pleasing me sexually almost every night since we met. But i know its not just lust ( for me, thats kind of much required in a relationship lol, im just a very passionate individual. But moreso i felt we understood each other on multiple levels, which is essential for any lasting relationship). Because we have so much in common, more than i have had with any other guy, i thought maybe he was a soulmate i met too early?? I guess also bc after so much up and down between us, he still ( up until recently, but then again my phone has been off for a few weeks) wanted to make contact with me, even after a yr of us not seeing each other. Im just so unsure. And i feel like i should just leave him alone completely, even when i do return, which is pretty soon. But... he's still there.In my mind. I love him very much.And i cant fathom why?? Its not so heavy where i would stalk him (other than peaking on his twitter every now and then lol) or life threatening. I just cant stop thinking about him. Even though i feel like i should probably hate him. What should i do??
auntie
2011-02-11T02:57:24.000Z
LOL!! if you all think you are damned by falling in love with the wrong element wait till I tell you my story. I am 34 years old, two kids, 11 years of marriage, bored as hell I started to go online to play this game POTC, I met many adults like me in the game, and one day I meet this guy who instantly switched my life. I've never met him, we talked for two years and a half, I was almost going to file for divorce. did not do it!!! This guy to this day is always in my mind, we are no longer talking, he realized I never intended to leave my family, while he knew I was head over heels for him he pushed me away, told me it is what it is and moved on. The funny part is that I can't stop loving him, I love him secretly, I do not recent him, I want him to be happy, have a family, babies and all, I want to be in his life but I can't. he knows I can't do it as a friend. I am always watching over him making sure "for my self" that he is alrite, that he is not having any troubles because I worry bout his wellbeing. while im living my regular life everyday, he is always in my heart and mind. When im alone, driving, of contemplating I'm thinking of him. When I say a prayer I think of him, and he knows im watching because he sends me subliminal messages, things that are not direct to me or so I think. I leave messages on his email, FB etc he never answers, but he has not blocked me he reads them. Love is an amazing experience, it powers the world, it inspires artistic pursuits, it helps us develop empathy, acceptance, unconditionality, and the realization that even if it doesnt work when love is genuine you can't hold a grudge because you are just filled up with pink, fuzzy, feelings. I've suffered so much thinking I can control my life, leave and pursuit this foolish love. undecided, and loosing my mind I've gotten very deppressed. while I've tried to not neglect my family I am emotionally disconnected from them. I've decided to let this love channel through with artistic hobbies, spirituality, and exploring beleifs and ideas in order to realize the withdrawn effect I feel. Obsession is one step towards psychopath, and when you hear yourself talking about how you stalking a guy to check his life out, well that its scary. I don't know when this psychosys of mine will end im sort of riding it out, if it does omg thanks cause im fed up of it but I cant stop it by force. if it doesnt well im giving my self a deadline, and until I can bare it I will if not im getting on a plane and seeing what the hell is it that I feel, maybe when I see him for real I will just come to my senses. However im scared to do such a thing and probably end up in trouble for stalking this guy lol. hope you all ride this out as well, and may we have a bright and beautifull moving on. so long...
Jennyr
2017-09-15T00:23:39.098Z
So there's this guy and he's really cute like he's hella fine and I've always seen him before and recently I had a dream that we were together like dating and after that I kinda felt like I started to catch feelings for him at school and on top of that at
heela
2013-01-09T08:36:08.000Z
just be relaxxxx my dears dont think about such as matter :))
Simplyconfused
2012-03-20T18:39:26.000Z
I met this guy online, he is newly seperated divorce will be final next month but marriage has been over for 2 yrs. We have a few mutual friends and this all checks out, they also say he is an amazing man and we would be great. We've been talking almost a month and have gone out 3 times. He told me from the start he wanted to take things slow and although the marriage was over he doesn't want to break HIS vows, again this checks out with what our friends say. He has told several people that he likes me and wants to get to know me, he has talked about future dates and his daughter even told me he likes me but the messaging has become non-exsistant and he updated his profile. Ofcourse I am confused, we kissed once and we both agreed that was wrong. I AM obsessing over him I know this I want to go slow and build but I have never done this. I understand his need to date and have quietly encouraged this and I do believe he needs to, I don't want to be "the rebound" but I also don't want him to. Any advice?!
barbie
2012-03-21T01:39:40.000Z
Hi, I met a guy around Christmas time last year on a dating site. We ended up meeting at a mall and went to the pier to talk and ended up kissing. The attraction between us seemed intense and he seemed very interested. We were supposed to meet up for a date and he stood me up.I gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave him another chance. I'm a single mom and can't really go out on weekdays so I tried to make some time to see him when I could but he couldn't do the same as he claimed his job was so demanding. Anyways, after a couple months of texting mostly we ended up sleeping with eachother. a few days after that we were supposed to meet up and he claimed he was with his friends. I got upset because it seemed like I was the only one making an effort and confronted him about it he then tells me he doesn't like rushing into sex. We ended up arguing and stopped talking. I can't stop thinking about him though. I've even checked his Facebook now and again. Last night I was curious enough to see what happens if I send him a Facebook poke, thinking he'd ignore it. I got one back from him and felt surprised. So I send one back to him...then after a few hours I couldn't see his profile anymore, he had blocked me. And now i'm here obsessing over him again and what went wrong etc...I feel like i'm just torturing myself with this. It's difficult because I believe I feel in love with him over a short period of time and despite all the negative things that had happened. I hadn't felt that way in years,I forgot how it felt. It's like a mixture of pain and elation. Any advice to help me get over that douche bag?