1. State the Facts

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Think about what it is you need to say, and write it down in bullet points. For example, if you need to criticize your relationship with your partner, give a factual reason why. “I feel that you don’t put any effort into the relationship anymore” will get a much better response then an emotional rant. In the same vein, if it is a work problem, talk in facts too.

2. Add Some Empathy

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Then add what you want to the conversation. It isn’t fair to make people guess! Think about the fact you presented, and how that could be solved. “This probably wasn’t intentional, and to fix it I think that we need too....” will give the person some empathy, and a platform to start to solve the problem from. It’ll also give you a ‘checkpoint’ to mark improvements from.

3. Don’t Say Always

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Always is an incredibly long time! Don’t use always or never in your criticism. “You never...” is going to make the person feel under attack, and immediately go defensive. If you need to use times, use frequently, or sometimes. This is probably much more accurate anyway, and will stop you using ‘negative’ words!

4. Offer a Solution

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Leaving the situation without offering a solution could mean that nothing changes. Instead, think about the fact, and what you said you wanted, and then offer a solution. “I’ve noticed you frequently forget too...you could try writing it on a post it note to remind yourself? That’s how I remember!” Suddenly makes it a manageable criticism, and you’ll find people take it more like a suggestion then a personal attack.

5. Defuse the Situation

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If the other person becomes upset, angry or defensive, try to defuse the situation. Most of the time, this can be done by exiting your authority, and getting onto their level. Remind them that no one is perfect, and share your own solution...how do you remember to do it? They are likely to feel much better then, and no one wants a disgruntled partner, colleague or employee.

6. Remember the Motto

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Catherine the Great once said something we should all keep in mind....praise loudly, blame softly. Make sure that if you offer criticism, you also offer praise. Not at the same time, as this can make it appear fake, but at some point. For example, my boyfriend is excellent at cooking, but frustratingly rubbish at making complete shopping lists. I prefer to remind him how much of an excellent cook he is rather then rant at him, though, and when I do need to criticize, it doesn’t affect our relationship or his mood. He knows I think he is amazing, anyway!

7. Focus on “I”

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Think about how you write in your diary. You are more likely to use “I”...I think, I know, I presume...then to use you. Use this in your criticism. Make it personal to you, not an attack on the other person. I believe that...is much kinder then saying you are doing this wrong, and is the correct way to phrase it. Think me, not them.

8. Take It like a Man

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If you are the one being criticized, let the person talk. Try not to take it personally, or to get visually upset. Show them that you can take criticism, and consider what they are saying. If they aren’t clear, ask questions. Then thank them for their feedback, and think about how you can use it to better yourself. You’ll make it much easier both for yourself and for the person giving the feedback.

I can’t stand criticizing people, and I don’t really like being criticized, either. I’m very sensitive, I hate upsetting anyone! I have a mutual understanding with people that we both do our best, though, and will give feedback when necessary. This helps me to be the best I can be, without feeling constantly under attack. These tips will help you to achieve that, too! Have you got another tip for giving or receiving criticism? Please share it with me!

Top Photo Credit: Mamluke