By Amanda Lyons
It was something I'd never really thought about, after all I didn't have my first real relationship until I was twenty-one and I'd never had a relationship with another woman. I'd had a crush or two but never acted on it, my boyfriend in fact was the one that had initiated the topic of dating at all. So when an old friend (read old crush/best friend) came back into my life and I realized that same ache of longing and sexual attraction was still there in relation to her I didn't know what to do. Add to this that she was bisexual too and I lost my head.
As a result I was confused on just how to proceed. Could it be possible that I was in love with both of them and I needed to fulfill both those aspects of my sexual attractions? In the midst of this I talked to my bf, it was the first time I’d even mentioned that I was Bi to him and he went off to digest it, a little thrown by the idea. I want to make it clear we were committed and he was not the kind of guy that ever thought of this sort of thing coming up with us. He said that if I needed to date women as well as him that I could, he wanted me to be happy.
In the end she walked out of my life, I don’t know the details. I ended up mourning her loss for at least a year afterwards, she’d been my best friend and with our flirtations back and forth I’d let myself fall again. Needless to say this put a strain on our relationship for the next 3 years. So with the lack of a fem friend to talk to and my emotional interests caught up in feeling lonely without her in my life I continued my search for fem friends looking toward potential relationships.
He never said a word and to this day says that it was just a thing I had to work out, but I know that he felt like he wasn’t enough, that it ended up that way because I was so lost about her and not having other women to talk to. There were times we could have been over, between those feelings and the troubles going on in our lives at the time. I was lonely in a way he had a hard time trying to heal and it made him think he didn’t do enough to earn my love.
In the end I realized it’s about deciding if you love someone enough to let that be what makes you happy, to lose yourself a little in making them feel loved too. It’s about being able to know and trust someone so completely that you don’t need to look for someone or something that isn’t already there. Love isn’t about filling your heart, it’s about leaving the room for it to grow.
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