If I was a princess, I bet I’d be the strangest one of them all! Yup, dealing with me would sure give Walt Disney a chronic migraine. I’d cause quite a disturbance in the magical world of fairies and talking animals but I’m afraid you would never get to hear about it. Why? Because there wouldn’t be anything to talk about… that is, unless you want to hear the story of a princess that never got into any huge trouble and has always managed to successfully rescue herself! You see, that’s why I’ll never be a princess. But, just for the fun of it, let me tell you about what I would do differently…
1. I Wouldn’t Listen to Strangers
What is it with strangers and princesses? It seems like they’re just dying to accept any ridiculous idea, as long as it’s suggested by a complete stranger. Poke yourself on a needle! Eat this tasty looking poisonous apple! Don’t mind the fact that I’m the creepiest looking lady you’ve ever seen, just do as I tell you! Phew!
2. I Wouldn’t Let Others Bully Me
If I were Cinderella, I’d tell those nasty stepsisters what to do with the stupid broom! And it involves the action of sticking and one place where even sun doesn’t shine! Seriously, I’m really not the type that sits around waiting to be rescued, I prefer to handle things my own way. I know what you’re going to say now – a good princess just has to suck it up and wait. Right? But, what happens if the prince doesn’t come or is terribly late? I wouldn’t like to wake up one day and realize than I’m an old lady who made a career out of being everybody’s boxing bag.
3. I’d Ask for Coffee
If I were enchanted and sleeping for so many years, it would take much more than a kiss to wake me up. In fact, I bet a super sized cup of coffee is what I would have asked for. Oh, yeah, and a big sandwich! Do Disney princesses ever eat? I mean, do they eat anything but those things offered to them by strangers?
4. I Wouldn’t Lose My Shoe
Seriously, Cinderella, one moment you don’t have a decent outfit and the next you’re throwing a perfectly good pair of shoes around. Okay, I know it was kind of important for the plot and I’m sure you weren’t given a lot of influence in the script-making process, but still. Shoes are shoes, girl! Couldn’t you just give him your address? It would have saved you both a lot of trouble. Plus, you knew that all the women in your village would hurdle to try on your shoe! How sanitary is that, now? Huh?
5. I Wouldn’t Marry a Guy so Soon
Being a good dancer and a good kisser doesn’t exactly make a guy an ideal husband material. At least not in my book. I’d have to spend more time with him and get to know him a little bit better before I decide to say “YES! I will marry you!” So what if he is a prince and so what if he has a white horse and a big castle? I hate to marry a guy only to realize that he leaves his smelly socks lying around, knows nothing about life in general, won’t listen a word I say and can’t perform in bed. Walt, would you be so kind to elaborate on the “Happily ever after”?
6. I’d Go to School
I wouldn’t just spend my years cleaning, singing and talking to birds and I definitely wouldn’t wait for a prince to give my boring old life a happy twist! No matter how handsome he might be! A princess can do whatever she pleases, right? She is a princess, after all. So don’t tell me how back then people didn’t know how to read and write – look at Belle, for example, she liked books. Now, where did she learn to read, huh?
7. I’d Look up to My Other Disney Colleagues
I bet Cinderella would grow up to be much feistier if she had hanged with Mulan or Jasmin. But, maybe princesses aren’t allowed to hang out with non-princesses? That sucks, if you ask me. Did you notice that all Disney’s non-princesses knew how to get things done while princesses were mostly depicted as ditsy, I’m-too-nice-for-my-own-good, Oh-handsome-price-come-and-save-me types? Well, guess what, Walt Disney – we, modern princesses, have it all and want it all. Plus, we don’t act all “I’m too royalty to hang out with you” or believe our qualities and skills have anything to do with our social status. Now, what do you say about that?
Yup, I’d sure be one boring princess! What would you do differently if you were in Cinderella’s shoes… or glass slippers, to be precise? Would you even change the course of your favorite fairytale histories? If yes, how do you imagine the happy ending?
Top Photo Credit: ewen and donabel