My mother had an interesting conversation with my four year old the other day. For some reason, he’s become fascinated by nursing, and often pretends he’s a baby puppy or kitty and some other grown up woman is the mama mammal, and he pretends to nurse. Now, there’s no contact, he’s not actually trying to latch on or anything, but we’re in that grey area between what parts of his body belong to him, what parts of my body belong to me, and what parts do we still sort of hold in common? He’s not an exhibitionist, but he has no body shame, and I’m walking a fine line between teaching him to protect his own personal parts and respect the parts of others, without singling out a particular zone to be vilified, revered, considered strange, dirty or other…  It’s a difficult dance.

So my mother, when the nursing mammals game came up, gently explained to her grandson that well, Grammy’s breasts belong to her, and are not toys to be played with. The kid got that. He was less clear on who owned his mama’s breasts, however. So she took him through the chronology of weaning, that push and pull to let the strings that bind a dyad together grow longer, without ever snapping. When he was a baby, who did mama’s breasts belong to? “ME!” he announced with supreme confidence. But when we stopped nursing (21 months, for anyone who’s counting), then slowly, mama’s breasts belonged to her again, didn’t they? which brought a solemn nod. From there, it was a gentle, easy conversation about what kind of touch is appropriate, what parts of the body belong to him and him alone, and should only be examained by doctors, nurses, and mamas–and only then, with permission.

But it’s interesting to see how my open, honest, easy-going attitudes towards body parts, sexuality, and skin in general goes against the norm. I read a story about a little girl who finally noticed how well-endowed her Barbie doll is, pointed at the outrageous members and asked, “What are those?” She was outraged that she, at three years old, would have to wait another ten years to have breasts! But  what struck me strange was that she didn’t know what breasts were, in the first place. I’m hoping it’s just because Barbie’s unnatural proportions made it hard for the little girl to recognize them. And another woman made a passing, wistful remark about her toddler who had to stop nursing because he ‘has too many teeth’, but she wishes they still could.

Huh? Breasts are not rubber chew toys. Neither are they things to be hidden away and whispered about at the back of the playground when kids are older. If that woman wants to nurse her son past canines, so be it. My son got his first two teeth at five months, and his final molars two months before his second  birthday. He learned quickly that biting meant no sustenance, and ditto to pulling, tugging, and otherwise severely abusing the mamaflesh.

We had a perfect snowfall two weeks ago, fluffy, fat, not too cold, and just right for rolling big snowmen. We build one with the neighbor’s daughter, an adorable little five year old whose imagination fueled my son’s like a matched set. Until he decided that we were building a snow lady, not a snow man. “She needs breasts, mama,” he declared, and began to pack snowballs. The little girl looked appalled. I finally said to her, “My son never took a bottle. I nursed him, instead. He thinks of breasts differently than other folks. He’s just pretty matter of fact.” They are just breasts, with all the magic, comfort, silliness and nourishment that such strange, wonderous things provide.

But we’ll see if her parents let her play with us anymore.

breast feeding, breastfeeding, breasts, child, children, Culture, Growing up, mama, mother, motherhood, Mothering, nursing, sexuality

I wish I knew the answer. We don’t have a television at home, but that doesn’t stop my son from picking up pop culture from his peers at school. We went weeks with the Power Ranger obsession and then morphed into Scooby Doo for a few days until a friend read him a Scooby Doo book that gave him nightmares. We ran screaming from a brief fling with Squarepants Spongebob or whatever his name is. And my kid loves loves loves the video games on the computer from sites like Nick Jr. and Noggin. At least he knows he can’t play those games on school nights!

I know mothers who are obsessed about the Gymboree line and wax lyrical over the new color scheme this spring. Mothers whose kids are already writing their Christmas wish list–NASCAR or superheroes or pick an obsession, any obsession. It’s enough to drive you nuts.

When my son was a baby, we took him into Toys R Us one day. He must have been 11 months old… it was a disaster. He was a melted puddle of flashing lights and bells and whistles and died and went to toy heaven goo five minutes into the adventure. It was all too much. We never took him into that toy store, again. It just wasn’t fair. I’ve gotten around the gimme gimme I want phenomenon we find at the grocery store by ordering food on line and having it delivered. He plans our menus with me and helps me order things… but he never sees the boxes of Dino mac or the tubes of Froot by the Foot with the latest action hero tacked onto the box.

Mothering Magazine has a great list of articles and other references on the issue of consumerism and kids.  I most certainly can appreciate “Penniless and Blessed” by Jennie Englund.

consumerism, Culture, kids and shopping, motherhood, Mothering

I’ve had it. I’ve had it with Mommy Wars, the War on Single Mothers, the incessant whining drone from the media machine that seems determined, nay, hell-bent on destroying a mother’s self-esteem. What label do you carry? Mother? Working Mother? Full Time Mom? Stay at Home Mom? Work at Home Mother?

Are you AP? Do you practice PD? Do you know what those letters mean, and do you care? Was your child bottle-fed, breastfed until five, eating solids at three months, having her first taste of mashed bananas at 14 months? How about elimination communication, cloth diapering, organic baby food and all the right toys? Did you try to create a Baby Einstein or let your kid move along at her own pace? Did you bathe the cord, not bathe the cord, circumcise, leave intact, did you Simonize, vaccinate, irradiate and inculcate your babekins from all and sundry? Do you feel inadequate ALL THE TIME? If you’re listening to the crap the media is spewing about motherhood, you will. Feel inadequate, I mean.

Go ahead. Turn off the TV. I dare you. Put down the newspaper, don’t listen to Dr. Phil, Oprah, Martha Stewart or Rachel Ray. Don’t take the opinion of the Blogger of the Minute As Seen on National Television as anything other than another fifteen minutes of fame. None of these people matter. Nothing the media can say, sell, or sanitize is going to help you as you try to figure out how to be a good mother. What pisses me off more than ANYTHING, though, is mothers bashing mothers.

Childbirth, child raising, and personal paths as we weave our children into our lives, are hair-trigger issues, and everyone has a different opinion. I can’t thank my mother enough for the kindness, sensitivity, and respect she showed me as I made my first, tentative steps into the motherhood fray. Instead of telling me what to do, she was genuinely interested in why I was choosing one thing over another. She supported my decision to breastfeed exclusively. She didn’t have any nasty, negative, snide comments about my fussy son’s inability to sleep through the night. She certainly didn’t freak out when I nursed him past his six month date. I wish every woman could be as thoughtful as my mother is when it comes to my choices in raising my son. She does disagree with me, sometimes (mostly she thinks I’m being too strict, which I find amazing!) but she always does so in such a way as to remind me that she’s my mother, she loves me, and I’m doing a great job. Be kind to other mothers. If you feel passionate about something, support it with all you do… but don’t condemn another woman for not leading her life the way you do. Please?

*puts away the soap box and makes her child’s lunch for tomorrow*

activism, breastfeeding, child, Culture, discipline, elimination communication, formula, mommy wars, motherhood rant, Mothering, nursing, raising children