All Women's Talk

7 Signs It's Time to Clean the House ...

By Alison

Who likes cleaning? I’m told that there are some very strange people who do actually enjoy this most boring of chores, but I’m sure I’m not the only one who is occasionally guilty of letting things get a little bit out of hand. So here is my tongue in cheek guide to help you realise when you really do need to have the mother of all spring cleans …

1 Kids? What Kids?

Kids? What Kids?Photo Credit: *deb*

You have three, but haven’t seen one of them in days. It did seem strange that he was so abnormally quiet. Could he be buried under the Laundry Mountain? Time to organise a search party …

2 House from Hell

House from HellPhoto Credit: Konabish

Your house looks fit for demolition – and that’s just the outside. If the local health department could see through the mucky windows they would condemn the entire neighbourhood as contaminated. Conditions are so bad that even the cockroaches have packed their bags and moved out.

3 TV Star

TV StarPhoto Credit: Simone Enei

You’ve been nominated by your friends and family to appear on a TV show like ‘How Clean Is Your House?’ or ‘Hoarders’. What’s worse, the production company say that yours is the worst case they’ve ever seen. Time to get cleaning or face national humiliation.

4 We’ll Cook!

None of your family will visit you. They take turns to host Christmas dinner, but strangely enough you are never expected to be host. This is probably not unconnected with the Great Dinner Disaster of 1997, after which everyone swore never again to eat food prepared in your kitchen.

5 Pegs on Noses

Pegs on NosesPhoto Credit: pliggy

There is a Very Bad Smell emanating from an undefined point somewhere in the house. You cannot track down its source as the house is such a mess. The most frequently used phrase by visitors is ‘Did something die in here?’ Time to get scrubbing …

6 Cough! Splutter!

Cough! Splutter!Photo Credit: Kitten

There are messages written in the dust on the furniture that date back at least a decade. The last time you sneezed, it disturbed so much dust that the room looked like the inside of a snow globe. The duster is most likely somewhere under the dust. Get out the vacuum … if you can find it.

7 Film Star

Film StarPhoto Credit: spear of the nation

Your house is so disgusting that location scouts want to use it for one of those creepy horror films where hapless teenagers get trapped by a murderous insane family. They think the decay, dirt and dinginess are so perfect that they won’t even need to make any changes. Do you really want your home to star in ‘Inbred Cannibal Killers 3’?

I hope this has given you a chuckle, but what makes you realise that you’ve been neglecting the cleaning? Or is it something that you put off as long as possible?

Top Photo Credit: plantmanbuckner

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