“I mean, I felt terrible. And in thebeginning, I mean, I was completely devastated. I mean, can you imagine thekind of guilt that you would feel, and the responsibility?” (Monica Lewinsky)
“Guilt is the pledge drive constantlyhammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show.” (Dennis Miller)
“I don't believe in guilt. I believe inliving on impulse as long as you never intentionally hurt another person, anddon't judge people in your life. I think you should live completely free.”(Angelina Jolie)
When conscience-stricken people are busy beating themselves up for doing things they shouldn’t have done -- or for notdoing things they should have done -- they’re pretty much unable to do anythingelse that’s useful.
No wonder it's tempting to jump on theGuilt-Is-Useless bandwagon and feel completelyfree to push people out of the way in order to find a seat next to Angelina.
But isn't there a middle ground between “living on impulse” and living with the “constanthammering” of guilt? It seems like a lot of people live their lives -- and conduct their relationships -- at the extremes instead.
Take for instance the people I affectionately call the CocktailParty Sociopaths. Unlike sociopathic serial killers, they aren't completely lacking a conscience. They're just ordinary, charming people who happen to be superbly skilled at rationalizing their selfish choices.
And that's EXACTLY why you can't trust them to be honest about whether or not their choices are "intentionally" hurtful.
Then you have the Super Accountable Martyrs. Man, do these people know how to have a Guilt-Fest. And it can last fordecades. They also are more likely to be depressed, and seethe with resentmentfor the irresponsible, bad things that others do to them.
The ideal, to me, is somewhere in-between these two extremes.
Even when people do bad things to other people, I don't see the point in a Guilt-Fest if that's all they do. In fact, in my conversations with couples, I've noticed how often people seem to be wracked with guilt for things like lying and cheating in relationships, but they still keep lying and cheating.
I do believe, though, that you should pay attention to messages coming from your guilty conscience. Because, those icky little feelings of mea culpa -- currently known as my bad -- are telling you something potentially valuable about the choices you're making.
So, by all means, live free, and feel free...to make different choices that don't make you feel guilty.
