CPGH: Doubts about "Too Soon"

Date: Early October 2006
How we met: See previous entry
What we did:
I’m surprised no one has commented on what I worried was relationship hopping as of yet. While in my heart I loved CPGH, something nagged me about NavyMan. We had had a few talks, and I really wanted a friendship; I tried to convince myself that he is a good person. When CPGH came to town, I purposely avoided going to parties with friends from school, as I did not want to hurt NavyMan by forcing him to see me with someone new.

Unfortunately, NavyMan did not show me quite the same respect. One night I went to a party. I walked in, and he was standing with what could only be described as a clone of me, slightly skinnier and less busty. The effect was incredible; three months out of this relationship, and my body would not stop shaking.

I finally got the shakes under control, and walked over to introduce myself to the woman. I am known in my crowd at school for always getting excited to meet girlfriends and wives, as I see so few women in school and at work. For example, at this party, there were only two women other than myself. I had already met the other girlfriend, so went over to meet this one.

Long story short is that when I asked how she knew everybody, she said, “NavyMan and I ski.” Confused, I said, “There’s skiing already?” NavyMan snapped, “No! Remember when you wouldn’t go skiing with me in April? That’s when we met.” Needless to say, my blood ran cold, but I kept up the appearance of enjoying the conversation. I knew just who this girl was. She is a divorced mother of a five-year-old daughter. And she’s dating NavyMan. Part of me wanted to warn her, but it wasn’t my place. I wrapped up our conversation, and let the guys take care of me.

One of them grabbed me as a pong partner, while the rest pretty much shielded NavyMan and date from my view. Seriously, they’re good guys. At the end of the night, the other girl at the party and her boyfriend commented on my interaction, saying how impressed they were and how classy I had come across. This did my heart good.

At the same time, my heart and head were both confused. How could I have had such a strong reaction to NavyMan if I was truly falling back in love with CPGH? I struggled all weekend with this. Was I ready to move on? Was it too soon? Why did he make me cry?

Again, girlfriends to the rescue. We talked, and decided it was symbolic of frustrations. I had put everything I had into this relationship, loved this man, and this was his response. It was cruel and mean. Nobody else at the party had brought a date other than the host, who had been dating his girlfriend for three years and had her visiting from Detroit. NavyMan had asked ahead of time if I would be there, and arranged to be accompanied. It hurt.

My sister is an amazing person who will listen and give heartfelt advice, but not this time. She told me she could not in this case: “He is a bad person, and I’m too happy you are not with him to listen.” My mother actually said something similar. My girlfriends agreed he was terrible, but pointed out that I had loved him, and it was bound to hurt. A few days later, I happened to find an old journal in which I had written about a note I'd received from my College Sweetheart about how we would never be friends or get back together, and I realized that still hurt, too. Past relationships hurt when you wanted them to work.

And then there was CPGH. We talked on the phone, and he could hear in my voice how sad I was. He didn’t pry too much, just told me how much he loved me, and that he would listen to what I said. Yes, he knew that I had run into NavyMan and it had caused introspection. In addition, a very dear friend of mine who was 9 months pregnant was in the hospital with a virus she could not shake. I had sent her flowers, but hadn’t heard from her. I was terrified. Turns out she had gotten them, but 1800Flowers.com had neglected to put my name on the card, so she didn't know who to call and thank.

On Wednesday, I was at work, headphones on, when I heard my name and turned around. There were a dozen of the most perfect red roses I had ever seen. The woman holding them said, “FDC?” I said, “Yes?” And she put them down on my desk. I opened the car which read, “I am so happy to have you in my life. And I cannot wait to see you this weekend. Love, CPGH. CPGH” Seems like 1800flowers had corrected their name-drop mistake on my card to my friend by putting CPGH’s twice. It made me smile. CPGH and I seemed to balance each other out perfectly.

I sat there, and read the card over and over. Normally, my office is me and four dudes. However, I had one of my intern-types there, a 22-year-old woman. She said, “Oh! You’re crying!” I touched my face, and sure enough, I was. The tears were just rolling. I wanted to get myself under control before calling CPGH to thank him.

I stared at the roses and noticed one…it was partially open and yet still gorgeous, like it held a secret. One of its petals had a brown mark, a flaw. I decided this was CPGH and me. We looked like we had bloomed already, but there was still so much to discover. There were flaws, but it was gorgeous. I eventually got myself under control, and called CPGH from my cell phone in the hall. I asked why he had chosen to send them now..I was going to see him in two days. “Because you needed them,” he replied. Sigh.

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