1. I do Look like Joanna Lumley, Even I Can See It or Does She Look like Me? I Am Always Being Mistaken for Her. I Once Pretended to Be Her for 2 Hours in a Bar in New York for a Bet. the Barmaid (out of Work Actress) Was an Avid Fan of Hers and Was Totally Blown Away. I Still Feel Bad about That so if Your Reading This Young Lady - I Am Sorry

2. I Was Expelled from School when I Was 15 for Bad Behaviour. Not Proud but It Gave Me the Kick up the Butt I Needed. That Was Back in 1966, 900 Years after the Battle of Hastings. See I Learned Something

3. In 2004 I Was Voted One of the Top 100 Internet Entrapeneurs of the Decade. It Was Organised by the Department of Trade & Industry. It Was for My Work on Wheredidyoubuythat.com. I Was Totally Shocked and when I Met the Other 99 Such as Natalie Massinet of Net-a-Porter and Brent Hoberman Who Founded Lastminute.com They Were Just as Shocked That They Had Been Awarded the Same. I Am Proud but Still Shocked

4. I Had My First Child when I Was 17 and My 3rd and Last Child when I Was 34. That Makes the Age Gap between Me and My 1st Child the Same as the Age Gap between My First Child and His Sister. Get It?

5. I Live in a Tiny Cottage in the National Park of Northumberland Which is Called the Cottage. when I Say Tiny I Mean Tiny and It's over 300 Years Old. the Walls Are 3 Feet Thick so It Wouldn't Be so Tiny if It Wasn't for Them

When we decided to change our lifestyle we came to live in what was our weekend retreat and sold our huge city house and put most of our belongings into store. The cottage will be extended as soon as the National Parks get their fingers out and pass the planning application.

6. I HATE Government Agencies. They Waste the Tax Payers Money and Are Manned by Lazy Idiots. I Have Been Waiting since 2nd February Just to Find out if I Can Build up to a Wall in My Garden

Once I was foolish enough to be persuaded to apply for a grant when we had the advertising agency. We spent £36,000 with a promise of 45% of that in grant funding and ended up with £1,800 because someone at the Government Agency lost the paperwork before the year end and they had no budget left. See, can you blame me?

7. Yes I Am One of Those Hated People, as Bad as Any Murderer and Shunned by People Who Have No Sympathy with Me. I Am a Smoker. I Only do It in the Privacy of My Own Doorstep as I Don't Even Smoke in the House but People from All Walks of Life Want Me to Be Stopped from Harming Myself and Maybe a Little Bird That May Be Sitting on the Roof above Me

I do smoke those More cigarettes which are long, thin and brown so people think they are cigars. I am 55 years of age and never buy a Big Mac, have never invaded Iraq, never taken cash for questions in Parliament nor do I carry a firearm but I am to hang my head in shame for my habit.