When a Man Does a Vanishing Act


One moment he's a part of your life.

As a matter of fact, whether it's the early stages of dating, or the beginning of a relationship, things between you seem to be going along rather nicely.

Anyway...that's what you think.

The next moment - presto chango - he's GONE! No more contact. No explanation.

Now that he's disappeared, your private hell has just begun. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Questioning your perception of what you two shared. Dealing with a range of reactions, from denial to anger to sadness.

And you want to DO something, rather than feeling so dumped and powerless.

Well, there is something you can do that's much better than chasing after the guy with desperate emails, phone calls, and text messages. Keep reminding yourself that unlike a magician's vanishing act, your guy's disappearance-that-defies-explanation is NOT a harmless illusion.

Really, it's a dramatic statement that he doesn't want to be a significant part of your life.

And I hate to say it, but you'll probably never find out exactly why he went away. Because the vanishing man does what's necessary to avoid having The Dreaded Unpleasant Confrontation with you.

You can know one thing for certain, though:

β€’ if he wanted you sexually and emotionally - AND was ready for all that entails - he wouldn't have vanished without a trace

So don't be telling yourself that he got scared away because he loved you too much. Men in love tend to be much braver than most women realize. Even when they're scared, they don't stay away forever.

Whereas the ones who aren't in love - they can rationalize all types of cowardly acts.

And if a disappearing man DOES magically re-appear, I'm betting it's because you're willing to be his friend-with-benefits. Not such a bright idea if you have feelings for him!


Here are other things you want to believe when a man suddenly disappears:

"I just know that he and I still have a deep connection."

The only things you can know for certain are (1) how you felt with him, (2) how you feel without him, and (3) how he ultimately treated you.

In this case, like he didn't want to be around you anymore.

After the vanishing act, please consider the possibility that you didn't have with him what you thought you had with him. Perhaps you confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy?

Besides, real grown-ups who genuinely care about each other sustain a deep emotional connection BY HAVING CONTACT with each other. That's how it works.

No meaningful contact, by his choice? Then no deep connection you can count on.

"If I can just figure out what I did wrong, I'll make changes and get him back."

I'm all in favor of women learning from relationship mistakes.

But there's a big difference between responding to a man's expressed complaints about what you're doing in a relationship that's turning him off, as opposed to...

...hunting him down, after he's long-gone, to find out what his complaints were in the first place.

Assuming that he hasn't ALREADY tried to explain to you what was turning him off (but you weren't listening...), chances are good that he simply lost interest after sex, or you just didn't "do it" for him. The vanishing guy doesn't want to explain that ugly truth to you. Most likely he's even convinced himself that going away unannounced hurts you less than the truth.

Yeah, right. It all hurts.

Still...why should he be able to get away with being such a cowardly bastard?

"I'll force him to be accountable for treating me this way."

No you won't.

Let's say you track him him down and are supremely, self-righteously belligerent. With luck you might be able to make him extremely uncomfortable for a few delicious minutes.

But in his head, he'll be (1) thinking how smart he was to dump an angry woman like you, and (2) calculating the odds that you'll become his friend-with-benefits.

And afterwards, you could very well be kicking yourself for letting him see how much more you care about him than he apparently cares about you.

In other words, you are so unlikely to get any satisfaction whatsoever from a man who's done a vanishing act on you!

That's why it's better.......not to find him.

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