When a Man Does a Vanishing Act ...

Annie

When a Man Does a Vanishing Act ...
When a Man Does a Vanishing Act ...

One moment he's a part of your life.

As a matter of fact, whether it's the early stages of dating, or the beginning of a relationship, things between you seem to be going along rather nicely.

Anyway...that's what you think.

The next moment - presto chango - he's GONE! No more contact. No explanation.

Now that he's disappeared, your private hell has just begun. Trying to figure out what went wrong. Questioning your perception of what you two shared. Dealing with a range of reactions, from denial to anger to sadness.

And you want to DO something, rather than feeling so dumped and powerless.

Well, there is something you can do that's much better than chasing after the guy with desperate emails, phone calls, and text messages. Keep reminding yourself that unlike a magician's vanishing act, your guy's disappearance-that-defies-explanation is NOT a harmless illusion.

Really, it's a dramatic statement that he doesn't want to be a significant part of your life.

And I hate to say it, but you'll probably never find out exactly why he went away. Because the vanishing man does what's necessary to avoid having **The Dreaded Unpleasant Confrontation **with you.

You can know one thing for certain, though:
• if he wanted you sexually and emotionally - AND was ready for all that entails - he wouldn't have vanished without a trace

So don't be telling yourself that he got scared away because he loved you too much. Men in love tend to be much braver than most women realize. Even when they're scared, they don't stay away forever.

Whereas the ones who aren't in love - they can rationalize all types of cowardly acts.

And if a disappearing man DOES magically re-appear, I'm betting it's because you're willing to be his friend-with-benefits. Not such a bright idea if you have feelings for him!

~~~

Here are other things you want to believe** **when a man suddenly disappears:

"****I just know that he and I still have a deep connection.****"
The only things you can know for certain are (1) how you felt with him, (2) how you feel without him, and (3) how he ultimately treated you.

In this case, like he didn't want to be around you anymore.

After the vanishing act, please consider the possibility that you didn't have with him what you thought you had with him. Perhaps you confused physical intimacy with emotional intimacy?

Besides, real grown-ups who genuinely care about each other sustain a deep emotional connection BY HAVING CONTACT with each other. That's how it works.

No meaningful contact, by his choice? Then no deep connection you can count on.

"****If I can just figure out what I did wrong, I'll make changes and get him back.****"
I'm all in favor of women learning from relationship mistakes.

But there's a big difference between responding to a man's expressed complaints about what you're doing in a relationship that's turning him off, as opposed to...

...hunting him down, after he's long-gone, to find out what his complaints were in the first place.

Assuming that he hasn't ALREADY tried to explain to you what was turning him off (but you weren't listening...), chances are good that he simply lost interest after sex, or you just didn't "do it" for him. The vanishing guy doesn't want to explain that ugly truth to you. Most likely he's even convinced himself that going away unannounced hurts you less than the truth.

Yeah, right. It all hurts.

Still...why should he be able to get away with being such a cowardly bastard?

"I'll force him to be accountable for treating me this way."
No you won't.

Let's say you track him him down and are supremely, self-righteously belligerent. With luck you might be able to make him extremely uncomfortable for a few delicious minutes.

But in his head, he'll be (1) thinking how smart he was to dump an angry woman like you, and (2) calculating the odds that you'll become his friend-with-benefits.

And afterwards, you could very well be kicking yourself for letting him see how much more you care about him than he apparently cares about you.

In other words, you are so unlikely to get any satisfaction whatsoever from a man who's done a vanishing act on you!

That's why it's better.......not to find him.

Feedback Junction

Where Thoughts and Opinions Converge

That is really helpful. I was told all sorts of lovely things by a man I approached, after splitting up with another one a few weeks before after a long relationship. He even said he loved me, which I questioned, as we hadnt known each other very long. He sent me up to 30 texts a day, was at my door regularly and seemed interested in everything I did. Then one day he told me my ex had had a showdown with him and wanted to know all about our relationship, how far it had gone etc, and that he couldnt stand the guilt of the way my ex looked. He said he had meditated about this and even discussed it with his Mother, but that he simply couldnt do it any more. I feel so upset and exposed and embarrassed. Not sure where the warnings were but I missed every one! Didnt see it coming. Miss him like mad.

I found that this trend is very popular among men. It's just not on. It happened to me a few times that I turned out to be one of them (I am a woman)!

What about a man you've known for almost a year (although most has been long distance) and have a child with? Even if he honestly wasn't interested anymore doesn't the kid mean he has to remain in some contact. I can't make myself he is dumping both me and his kid. I wasn't going to pursue child support before but I'm almost tempted just to piss him off.

I agree with you 100%. Especally on how to deal with it. As a man who has done the vanishing act in the past I would like to provide some insight as to why men do this sort of thing. So does a man do a vanishing act then go and high five his buddys? Probably not. Does he feel guilty? Most likley. When it comes to the vanishing act it is likley that the real cause is that the man does not understand that women can have casual relationships. Other times it is when the women does not hear the clues he gives as to what the relationship is about. In any case one thing i will say is that the guy probably knew you were not the one from the beginning. In situation 1 the man is sex starved and finds a girl to hold him down for a while. He has been raised to treat women with respect and as a result does all of the steryotypical things that a real boyfriend should do. Inside he knows that she is not the one but he feels that he cant be honest. His mother told him 1000 times to respect women. So how dare he say " listen I am just really lonley and need someone to make me feel good for a while." He feels cheap and disrespectfull saying that. So he does someting worse. He leads her on then vanishes. this is propably 95% of cases. In situation 2 the man is up front about the meaning of the relationship but not up front enough. The woman becomes emotionaly envolved to a point that she forgets the frames set in the beginning of the relationship. but this guy knows better and chickened out of a possabily good friendship post imtimate relationship. Just rember when this happens the guy knows in the beginning how long he wants the relationship to last. So one possable solution is to test him. If he agrees to friends with benifits that is probably all he wants.

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