If you haven't already done some digging, consider it -- whether your childhoodwas a happy one or not.
Years ago I did some major āexcavatingā of my own littlefamily of origin issues. Digging through various familial feelings andassociations, I confirmed a nagging suspicion: a less-than-rosy relationshipwith my dad was contributing in a serious way to some of my dumbest choiceswith men.
Still, those dumb choices were mine,and mine alone. Not that some men in my life haven't been fullyresponsible for the bad things they've done to me and to other women!It's just that I donātblame my dad -- or any man -- for the mistakes Iāve made in love.
Unfortunately,Iāve found that when women dig enthusiastically into family of originissues, sometimes they use what they discover to burythemselves in self-destructive love life patterns.
Likeā¦
ā¦the woman who told me that she was ādoomedā to be needy inlove -- and pick emotionally unavailable men -- because her mom had been soemotionally unavailable for her.
ā¦the woman who tried to convince me that she ācouldnāt helpāhow she mistreated and manipulated men because her dadās abuse had ruined any futureshe might have with a man.
ā¦the woman who believedthat she had to keep looking for the elusive Mr. Right who would adore her evenwhen she acted ābrattyā and āspoiledā because she had always been DaddyāsLittle Princess, and she should be able to do what she wanted.
ā¦or the woman who argued that since her mom had always beena āloser magnet,ā it was pointless to resist being what she was āmeant to beā-- a loser magnet too.
So, you can imagine that I get a little nervous when women ask me if they should dig into theirfamily of origin issues in order to get a handle on their relationships withmen! Obviously, I donāt want any woman unearthing some family of origin āinsightāthat will make her feel doomed in love -- or give her an excuse for misbehaving in relationships.
Butā¦ā¦.knowledgeabout yourself can be a beautiful thing, depending on how you use it.
Thatās why I encourage you to consider a variety of factors -- including family of origin --that contribute not only to your choices in love, but also to your expectations of and reactions to men in general.
And itās not just about your relationship with your mom ordad, although thatās in the mix. Women absorb all sorts of helpful and not-so-helpful āmessagesā aboutmen and relationships in their families. I certainly did.
When I post part two of this topic, we'll discuss some of those messages.
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Meanwhile, if you havenāt considered a possibleconnection between your family of origin and your choices in love(especially the hurtful ones...), Iencourage you to start being curious.
Just donāt dig so deeply in the past that you canāt be smartand realistic about what you need to do in the present!