The new book, Men,
Love & Sex: The Complete Userâs Guide for Women, promises to give women
valuable insights into menâs thoughts, feelings, and actions. And in a way, it
delivers on that promise.
First of all, the
two male co-authors of the book believe that men and women have similar goals
and desires:
âWe all want true
love, a good sex life (that includes quickies as well as long, slow afternoons
and everything in between), and relationships that last longer than Labor Day
weekend. Whatâs different about us â and therefore what makes it so hard for us
to find happiness together â is that we do a terrible job of communicating with
each other.â
So true, I think.
They also want you
to know this about men:
âWe bleed a lot
deeper than you think.â
As a dating and
relationship coach who works with both genders, I agree. When it comes to
getting rejected, men do plenty of emotional hemorrhaging. And a lot of women donât
understand that. Why? Sometimes I think itâs because a man whoâs invested in a
woman is more likely to cloak how bad he feels when she rejects him; or, at
least, he expresses that in a way she might not recognize.
Other times,
frankly, I think itâs because the woman no longer is -- or never was -- interested
in the man, and so she doesnât notice or care how much heâs âbleedingâ when
sheâs not into him the way heâs into her.
You know, in much
the same way that a man whoâs no longer -- or never was -- interested in a
woman doesnât notice or care about her
emotional hemorrhaging when he loses interest in her after sex.
In other words, in
the âromance game,â thereâs a whole lot of rejecting going on at all different
phases of dating and relationships -- and women arenât the only ones doing it.
But the authors of
Men, Love & Sexseem to be making the claim that guys are hurt more often
than women, and because of that, women need to be especially reassuring,
gentle, appreciative, complimentary, and revealing of our feelings so that the
fellas know that theyâre safe with us and can then take their own emotional risks.
I, on the other hand,
believe that Loveâs-Walking-Wounded are well represented by both genders, so
itâs up to women and men to play nice
with each other from the start -- and to take emotional risks equally.
Now, I do understand
that men are still expected to make the first move in most cases, so I know
that theyâre at higher risk for getting rejected before sex. But doesnât it seem like women are more likely to get rejected
right after sex?
One of the most
common heartaches women describe to me is when a man pursues them like crazy
(which does take courage on his partâŚ),
and then once sex happens, within days or a couple of weeks, he loses interest
and is GONE. I call that being rejected. Donât you? And it happens -- a lot.
Thatâs just one reason
why so many women today -- just like the thousands of men interviewed for the
book -- feel insecure, cautious, and vulnerable when it comes to dating and
relationships.
Thatâs also why I stumbled
over the following quote from one of the bookâs male interviewees:
âWomen need to be
more open to being hurt the way guys are every day.â
Hmm. I hope that
means that men also need to try to understand how hurtful it is when they
disappear after sex.
As I mentioned at
the beginning, David Zinczenko and Ted Spiker do deliver on their promise to provide some valuable insights into
the mysteries of men. Oftentimes men might not appear as though theyâre feeling insecure,
cautious, and vulnerable when really, they are.
But please, keep in mind that a man who IS interested
in you -- but just too scared at the moment to let you know that -- can look a
lot like a man who IS NOT at all interested in you. That is, either man might
look distant, uncertain, tense, etc.
So, what Men, Sex & Love doesnât
deliver is how to tell the difference between those two guys. Instead, the book
seems to encourage you to be gentler and more understanding with men generally. Well that, and it gives you lots of examples of how to say sexy things to them!
While I'm all for people being gentler with AND saying sexy things to each other, I encourage you to learn how to tell the difference between a a good guy whoâs interested but genuinely
scared, and a man whoâs just not interested and is going to hurt you.
And then, don't waste your gentleness and best sexy lines on the one who's just not interested.