All Women's Talk

Fake Bake Month Mystic Tan

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Mystic Tan has become somewhat iconic over the years as a means of describing someone who glows as only an Oompa Loompa can; it's most closely associated with the likes of Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton, who seem to relish overindulging in the fake bake.

I tried Mystic Tan a couple of years ago and my experience was laughable; not by any fault of the product or machinery, but as a direct result of my klutziness and inability to stop flailing and laughing during the process.

I recall watching a brief training video where I was instructed to assume a number of ridiculous poses during the tanning process, which would take all of 10 seconds. Arms up, knee bent, other leg now, march, march, march. I thought it all rather silly and found myself snickering at the video.

A couple of minutes later I was shut up in a tiny, shower-stall-like booth, head covered in a shower cap, eyes squinted shut, holding my breath and trying to remember the silly poses. Instead I panicked (for no reason whatsoever), and ended up flailing about like some deranged shore bird.

Since I could not manage the poses I didn't get an even distribution of tanner and wound up with quite a few streaks, dark dots, and blank spots (note: no matter what they tell you, DO rub it in after you get out, just to make sure you're covered evenly). Still, the Mystic Tan did dry rather quickly, smelled pretty generic, and didn't look as orange as its reputation would dictate.

I fully believe that had I behaved properly while in the booth, I would have been more satisfied with my result. But I suppose I'm just not graceful enough for Mystic Tan! How about you?

Fake Bake Month Official Rating

Scent: 3
Color: 3
Texture: 4
Drying Time: 4
Neatness: 3
Bonus Points: -2 (it loses points because of the flailing!)

Total Rating: 15/30

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