I'm an Excellent Driver

-----Original Message-----
From: Roxy
To: Turkey, Boy
Cc: Red Beard
Subject: URGENTish: hey you knuckleheads

About this weekend - Turkey, what time do you expect us in Philly? Do you have plans during the day Saturday? Would you prefer we came around dinner time? Late afternoon? To be awakened by humid breath in your ear? Do you not care?

Should we drive or take the train? Does parking suck?

Boy, do you want to travel with Red Beard and me, or would you rather pretend you don't know your crackpot sister for now, full-well knowing the secret will get out once you run for office?

-----Original Message-----
From: Boy
To: Turkey, Roxy
Cc: Red Beard

I talked to Turkeyovich, and I'm thinking we should plan to get to his abode around dinner time on Saturday. I'd be happy to ride up with Red Beard and my crackpot sister, and parking isn't that bad.

-----Original Message-----
From: Roxy
To: Turkey, Boy
Cc: Red Beard

Okay - now it's a question of whose car do we drive? Boy, if one of us drives, you will be stuffed into the very tiny backseat of one of our cars. If you drive, we run the risk of dying in a fiery wreck. Which do you prefer? I don't mind the fiery wreck part. It might be more fun than having to drive.

-----Original Message-----
From: Boy
To: Roxy
Cc: Turkey, Red Beard

You're dead to me.

-----Original Message-----
From: Roxy
To: Boy
Cc: Red Beard, Turkey

Well that said, to keep me dead to you in the figurative (as opposed to literal) sense, maybe one of us should drive.

But seriously - I really don't mind if you want to drive. I just enjoy verbally flogging you on occasion. :-) And if you don't want to drive, that's okay too.

-----Original Message-----
From: Red Beard
To: Roxy
Cc: Turkey, Boy

While I can certainly enjoy the joke about how driving with Boy is roughly as safe as simply being shot out of a cannon in the general direction of Philadelphia, I am not entirely sure you are the appropriate individual to be casting aspersions about other persons' driving abilities, Sweetie. Might I suggest we get through one trip somewhere together without me having to say "redlight!" or "watch out!" or "oh sh!t we're gonna die!" before you become overly critical of others?

-----Original Message-----
From: Roxy
To: Red Beard
Cc: Boy, Turkey

I can't stop laughing. You're absolutely right. But I can explain.
I have the strong suspicion that you don't regularly wander into traffic when I'm not there, even though you consistently do it when I'm present. Likewise, when you aren't there to backseat drive (aka save our lives), I am a keenly-focused driving machine. So I blame my questionable driving abilities on the fact that you are a distraction.

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