There is a dangerous virus that you may never have heard of. Fortunately most of us are safe, as it seems to only infect those in the Hollywood studios. This virus compels the sufferers to take a perfectly good, even outstanding film, and trash its memory by remaking it. If only they’d found a cure, then we’d have been spared the following …
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1. Psycho
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WHY, in the name of all that’s holy, would you want to remake a film by one of the masters of cinema? Everybody knows the plot, Anthony Perkins could not be bettered, and there are really no surprises left. All involved should hang their heads in shame and be grateful that they ever worked again.
2. Piranha 3D
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Is it in 3D to show off the computer-generated fish, or to give the (male) audience an eyeful of Kelly Brook’s breasts? Whatever the reason, 3D is an old, dated gimmick and fails to justify a remake of quite a funny original.
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3. Open Your Eyes
There is a particularly virulent strain of the Remake virus, which involves taking a good foreign language film and making an English language version. A shortage of ideas, or the assumption that audiences are too lazy to read subtitles?
4. The Wicker Man
Take a classic British horror film, relocate it to the US, throw in Nicolas Cage at his hammiest and what do you get? A dog’s dinner of a film, that’s what. The ending of the original was truly shocking, and you just can’t repeat an impact like that.
5. Planet of the Apes
As with ‘The Wicker Man’, the ending of the original film was such a shock that it couldn’t be bettered. So what did the makers do? Try the old ‘false ending’ trick. It did not work.
6. The Ladykillers
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Another British classic – this time a comedy – utterly desecrated. The original was an absolute delight from start to finish, as a dear sweet little old lady unwittingly foils the plans of a group of bank robbers. Holloywood just can’t leave a great film alone though, and The Ladykillers suffered the remake treatment. It was not an improvement.
7. King Kong
Yes, it’s old and the effects are not CGI standard. That does not make a film bad. In fact, Hollywood was not content with remaking this classic once, they had to do it again. In a word – why?????
8. Hairspray
John Waters was known as the Pope of Trash, given the outrageousness of his earlier movies. With Hairspray, he got as close to the mainstream as he ever will, coming up with a joyous and hilarious ode to 60s music where Ricki Lake’s fat girl beats the snooty beauty queen to star on a TV show. Note to John Travolta: you will never be Divine (RIP).
I haven’t included the Pink Panther, as I still can’t wrap my head around anyone trying to better Peter Sellers. Which remakes do you consider a crime against cinema? Are there any cases where you consider the remake an improvement? Do you have a favourite film that you dread being remade?
Top Photo Credit: toughkidcst
Comments
Nicole: i'm pretty sure the "re-make" of hairspray was more a theatre-to-movie portrayal, in which case the show on broadway would be the movie, and i think it was a HUGE improvement!!
Lisa: I've never heard of most of these films, I've got to go look them up now. I agree King Kong and Psycho were pretty horrible though. I remember watching all of the Planet of the Apes movies, I enjoyed them while I was hemming some things a few years ago.
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