What Nobody Warns You About with Dating Again

By Alison

So you’ve come to the end of a relationship. Some of us swear that we will never date again, while others throw themselves into looking for another partner. We’re all different, and some people are soon ready to date again, while others need a break. If you find yourself constantly looking for signs it's not a date when you go out, or you just feel disconnected, you might not be ready. If you're trying to figure out how to navigate post-breakup life or looking for ways to keep your relationship from going stale in the future, it's vital to ensure you are fully healed first. Here’s how to know if you might need a break from the dating scene.

1. Ex Factor

If you spend a lot of time talking about your ex, then it’s a pretty good bet that you’re not over them. Whether you fantasise about your ex’s demise or yearn to be with them again, it’s really not fair to a new date to waste their time if you’re not over your previous relationship. Give yourself permission to process the breakup before opening up to someone new. According to psychology experts at Psychology Today, talking about your ex too much is a clear sign that the previous relationship still occupies significant emotional space.

2. Comparisons

So you think that your ex was the most wonderful person in the world, and that no-one will ever match up to them. You’re almost certainly wrong, and in time you will wonder what you ever saw in them. In the meantime, you’re not going to make a go of it with someone who in your eyes doesn’t compare to them, so give dating a miss until you see sense. Building your own self-assurance and practicing the habits of highly confident women can help you appreciate new people for who they are rather than comparing them to your past. If you are constantly comparing a new date to your past partner, it's a clear sign you're still hung up on the ex factor.

3. Anger

Then again, you might be in the bunny boiling stage instead of wearing rose-tinted specs. This is a definite sign that you are not ready to date again. If you still hold anger and resentment against your ex for daring to dump you, you risk getting into another relationship for many wrong reasons, and not treating the new guy well. Holding on to this resentment is another symptom of not being over the ex factor, making it impossible to form a healthy new bond. Research from the Mayo Clinic highlights that holding onto anger and chronic resentment can lead to both emotional distress and physical health issues.

4. Hanging on

Now, it would be daft to throw away any gifts of value from your ex. But are you hanging on to sentimental items like a menu from your favourite restaurant, or photos? Do you still haunt places that you used to go to together? Then you haven’t let go, and aren’t ready to try with someone new.

If you're struggling to move on, consider clearing out these common reminders:

Old printed photographs and digital albums.
Gifts and sentimental trinkets that keep you anchored in the past.
Shared playlists or favorite songs that trigger emotional memories.

5. Stereotyping

Are you convinced that because your ex treated you badly, everyone else will do the same? That simply isn’t true, as there are plenty of wonderful, caring partners around. Or you might be stereotyping yourself, and thinking that you’ll never find anyone interested in you. Let go of these attitudes before you enter the dating game again. If you think all new partners won't measure up because of your comparisons, you'll close yourself off to great opportunities.

6. If Only …

A very common mistake we make when a relationship ends is to say to ourself ‘if only …’. If we’d done something different, been what they wanted us to be, or tried harder then it would have worked. It would not. But if you’re still blaming yourself then you are taking all the responsibility for making a relationship succeed. It takes two. To help shift your perspective, reading some heartwarming quotes about love can remind you of what a healthy, mutual relationship should actually feel like.

7. Too Keen

Do you look for another partner because you’re afraid to be on your own? Desperation is something that potential partners can smell a mile off, and they will run before you even get close. It’s really important to be comfortable on your own before you can be with someone else, so don’t be too keen, or if you attract anyone it will definitely be the wrong kind of person. According to relationship experts at the Gottman Institute, unresolved baggage from past relationships can hinder the foundation of a new connection.

There are a lot of lessons that we have to learn when a relationship breaks down. It’s hard going, but one thing we need to do is be able to recognise when we’re not yet ready to date again. How did you know that it was too early for you, or when the time had come?