Breaking up is hard to do.
You never know how the soon-to-be rejected person (a.k.a.,"The Dumpee") will react when you tell him, âIâm sorry, but itâs over.â
First of all, he might refuse to hear that heâs being dumped.So there you are, wanting to deliver the bad news as humanely as possible, and then be gone. Instead, the more he refuses to hear, the more likely youare to resort to being, wellâŚâŚ.cruel.
Not that you wantto be cruel. Itâs just that heâs giving you no other choice, right?
Or, even if heâs willing to hear what youâre saying, TheDumpee might decide to beg for another chance. That can be awkward and uncomfortable.
And if you crank up the cruelty to let him know why you couldnâtpossibly consider giving him another chance, you feel and look and sound like abitch. But, if you buckle, and give him another chance because you canât handlethe begging, youâll continue feeling trapped with him.
Then again, when you tell a man itâs over by phone orin-person, he might tell you off. When he does that he might angrilypoint out all your flaws and mistakesin the relationship -- and expect you to listen. And what woman wants that kind of negative, accurate feedbackfrom a man sheâs trying to dump?
So wouldnât it be a lot easier for everyone involved to getout a Blackberry and tell a man the bad news by text message, like BritneySpears reportedly told Kevin âFedExâ Federline?
Well, it might be easier, especially for The Dumper -- butthat doesnât mean that you should automatically do it. When it comes to breaking up, I believe that there's good form, and then there's bad form. And it's getting harder to figure out which is which.
If itâs true that Britney informed Kevin by text messagethat sheâd filed for divorce, we can only guess why she did it that way. Sometimesthings get so ugly between two people in a doomed relationship that any conversationwill degenerate into nasty fighting. It could also be that he wasnât taking hercalls, and she was determined to let him know before someone else did.
Or maybe Britney was just so thoroughly pissed off with, andtired of Kevin, that she wanted to deliver the blow (when he was on locationfilmingâŚ) without having to deal with his initial reaction and feelings.
Like everyone else, Iâm not at all surprised that these twoare divorcing. Unfortunately, I also wouldnât be surprised if, in the future, somebodytries to convince me, half-jokingly, that breaking up with someone at a safe [read:cowardly] technological distance is okay because Britney did it.
And we all know that Britney Spears is a regular MissManners of relationship etiquette.
Besides, sheâs not the only one pulling a âBritneyâ on asoon-to-be ex. Using technology to do the dirty work of breaking up is fairlycommon practice now, especially as people move quickly from one relationship toanother. So why shouldnât you embrace this practice, too?
You know why. Undercertain circumstances, people simply deserve better than to be dumped via text message shorthand:
âUragr8 guy but I wnt 2 brkup. IWGWIL. HITAKS, k?"
(Translation: âYouâre a great guy, but I want to break up. Itwas good while it lasted. Hang in there and keep smiling, okay?â)
Thatâs why, if you ever want to successfully convince methat breaking up with a man by text message or email is a good plan of action, atleast one of the following better be true about your situation:
Youâve taken a vow of silence.
He doesnât own a phone, or at least, heâs made it extremely difficultto reach him.
Youâve had a date or two with him, and he was unpleasantly distantand/or rude.
Heâs basically a good guy, but youâre not interested, youâvetried to tell him in a direct way verbally,and he still wonât get the message.
Youâve been out on a handful of dates with him, itâs goingnowhere, and most of your communication with him has been through text messageand/or email.
AndâŚ
You and he have some major history together and, at thispoint, canât talk by phone or in-person without it degenerating into a nastyfight. (Hopefully, if things ever cool down, you two eventually also have a realconversation about what went wrong and say good-bye with your voices.)
But good luck trying to convince me that you should pull a âBritneyâon a man with a reason like this: âHeâs nice and I just donât want to hurt himtoo much.â The truth is that you donât want to deal directly with his human reaction,by phone or in-person.
As far as Iâm concerned, a basically good guy whoâsgenuinely tried to get and keep your interest -- but ultimately didnât floatyour boat -- deserves to hear your nervous little voice, telling him some variationof âIâm sorry, but itâs over.â
So what exactly doyou say (or writeâŚ) to a man when itâs over? How can you have good break-up manners and be effective at saying bye-bye? Check backsoon for my suggestions in âHow to tell a man itâs over (part two).â
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Oh, and if youâre the basically good woman whoâs gettingdumped because you ultimately didnât float hisboat, I also think you deserve to hear his nervous little voice telling youthat directly.
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To the best of my knowledge, the break-up text message Iused above as a glaring example of bad break-up manners is NOT the messageBritney sent FedEx.
I like to think that her message to him looked something like this:
"Im dvrcing u Kev. CRBT not cuz pre-nups rul. Cu n crt.LYLB Brit."
(Translation: âIâm divorcing you, Kevin. Crying real bigtears -- not -- because pre-nuptials rule. See you in court. Love ya lots bye,Britney.â)
