Dusting off the blog.
It`s been a few months since I`ve posted here, and a furiously busy few months it was. There is way too much for me to sum up here, so I`ll just start by posting some initial stuff. More later.
My lawyering job is still frustrating. I wonder whether its the job, or whether its me. I have a certain amount of ego invested in being able to say, "I can take whatever you toss at me, bring it on!" However, the truth is, I may not be able to take whatever they can toss at me. Moreover, I am discovering that I often have no interest in it. The hardest part for me most of the time isn`t the work; it`s finding the impetus and wherewithal to settle in and do the tedious work. Very rarely is an assignment too complicated for me. That being said, I have a long history and a bad habit of getting very sloppy when I`m bored with an assignment. If I don`t have any emotional tie to my work, I just space out, and the work product that results is generally below par. The result? My bosses think I can`t do easy work, so I don`t get assigned more complicated work.
Well, that isn`t entirely true. I have been assigned some more complex tasks. Unfortunately, these assignments have, for various reasons, not been reviewed by my bosses. My best work has gone without review. It sometimes feels almost like a curse. If I do my best work in the forest alone, will anyone hear my adversaries' case get dismissed with prejudice? Sigh.
In theory, this should be a problem easilly solved via self-discipline, right? OK, I`m 32 years old (nearly) and I still haven`t developed the proper self discipline to prevent myself from shooting myself in the foot.
The alternative is that the work that I`m doing is just not inspiring to me, and therefore, I`m not going to put my best work into it. I`ve been reading about happiness lately, and it`s clear that people who enjoy what they do, do better work. So, I need to do something I enjoy more if I`m ever going to excel.
But what would that be?? And can I make it worth my while? This brings up the inevitable issue of money. Part of the reason I went to law school was the lure of a decent paycheck. I have the decent paycheck, and you know what? It IS all its cracked up to be. I like having enough that I don`t have to worry about groceries, or paying my bills on time. I like having enough that I am starting to look at real estate, so I can finally stop paying some overlord rent. I`m not sure I`m ready to go back to a lesser standard. It`s the classic syndrome of the golden handcuffs.
But even besides that, I wonder if every job carries an equal amount of tedious tasks, and therefore, whether the problem isn`t so much the job, as it is an inherent personal disconnect with the proper work ethic. Maybe, I`m just not up to snuff. That isn`t to say I`m not smart-- I am. But maybe I`m just lazy.