Paris Hilton Won't Appeal

Spider-Man’s younger brother came from the shallow end of the gene pool.

Paris Hilton has been crying, praying and extremely withdrawn ever since her return to jail. The heiress is currently confined to the medical ward in a room fitted with a glass door. For her protection, a sergeant is stationed outside at all times. On Saturday, her shrink visited her for 2 hours and she has been given psychotropic medication. She later issued a statement saying she won’t appeal.

“Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge’s decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff’s concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.

As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.

I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.”

Other reports indicate Paris hasn’t drank or eaten in three days. According to the New York Daily News, it’s because she’s terrified guards or staffers would take a picture of her peeing and put it on the net.

Hilton also suffered from “extreme claustrophobia” and began hyperventilating and freaking out.

“She cried the entire time, and that wasn’t helping the dehydration,” the source said.

Jail medical officials became concerned that severe dehydration and a buildup of waste and toxins in Hilton’s body could cause a complete collapse and “even kill her,” the source said.

This prompted Sheriff Baca to put Paris on suicide watch. Now with Hilton incarcerated and Lindsay in rehab, socialites Kim Kardashian, Kimberly Stewart and Nicole Richie are all planning parties in order to become the new reigning socialite.

For those wondering why in the hell Paris would shout “Mom, mom, mom,” and “That’s not right,” eyewitnesses say it was because Paris was trying to hug her mother, but was not allowed to do so and had to be physically restrained.

Contrary to earlier reports, Paris’ sentence has been moved back to 23 days. Which is great because you’d think there wouldn’t be any news about her while she’s in jail, but just like how you thought all women had adam’s apples, it turns out your wrong again. It’s like when I’m at a party, the girls are all hush-hush, but when I leave the room it’s non-stop chitchat about my granite abs and chiseled good looks. Ladies, ladies. No need to fight. There’s plenty of me to go around. Hello? Hello!? Where’d everybody go?