Men Run Away from Positive Relationships?


Men Run Away from Positive Relationships?
Men Run Away from Positive Relationships?

Several days ago I met a friend of mine for a cup of coffee and a casual “what’s-new” talk, which occurs every other week. Andrew belongs to this young and successful townie type: stylish, good-looking, witty. He works for a good company and in his twenty-something he is already an executive director. Apart from this professional achievement he went through two serious long term relationships.

Usually we talk about business, common friends, cinema, love, although we never went into details as for our personal relationship experience. All I knew was that both Andrew’s exes were 5-7 years older than him but he never told why things hadn’t worked out. After the second cup of coffee our conversation switched to breaking-up matters, it turned out that Andrew was the one who ended both relationships. Why? You would never guess! It was not about cheating, bad habits or whatever, no! At first, the explanation he gave seemed to be unreal: he broke up with his girlfriends just because everything went TOO SMOOTHLY.

He said that both girls were great and in both cases they had good relationships but THAT was the exact reason why he took off. No rows, no fights, not a single argument for months – sounds like a line from a fairy tale, but in reality this very perfection ruined everything. Andrew said that this smoothness became a routine which he could not take any longer. Absence of emotional splashes in relationships made them so plain and colorless that he couldn’t but leave ... What a funny thing!

My first long term relationships that lasted two years and a half were full of scandals and fights, sometimes we could argue several times a day. I thought all these rows were awful and that they proved that we were not meant for each other. Quarrelling was totally unacceptable in my vision of life-time ideal relationships. Mainly I blamed myself for blowing everything, for being too demanding, too tough, too stubborn. I thought that it was a lesson to learn. In my later relationships I did a good job on controlling my emotions – I became more patient, more forgiving, more understanding.

Many girlfriends of mine that already had some experience stuck to the same policy: they fought for building harmonic relationships, tried to make them as positive as possible without any fights or misunderstandings. They didn’t ask silly “women’s questions” that men can’t stand, they accepted their partners as they were – no nagging, no faultfinding, no scenes over trifles. But it turns out that this new attitude is not what men REALLY WANT!

Maybe despite all their complaints men do crave for our real sensitive nature with all the emotions, tears, irrational behavior that goes with it?

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I have been in the same relationship off and on for 9 years. For some reason I am a runner. I don't know why but sometimes I get so angry I can't control it so I load up the car and leave.

Sounds like your friend, being older, thinks he wants fights but what he really wants is someone to connect to, someone where with their own thoughts and oppinions, and someone who can express themselves. He wanted a woman, not a girl in her 20s. He was ready, but unfortunatley it sounds like he would still choose the younger girls. I am in a relationship with a 35 year old man, i am 31. We've only been together for almost 3 months and we've already been caught in these bicker sessions where he gets extremely demanding and it's like he has a short frustration temperment. I've told him several times already, my reaction is because of the way he talks to me during these bicker sessions, demanding answers from me and then getting frustrated at me again for not answering "correctly" when i do answer him but he just isn't LISTENING to MY answer. I vowed to always try to work things out with someone, but then again, when you try so many times, i've also vowed to get out because i've already been stuck in relationships where the person wasn't who i wanted or they didn't know if they wanted to eventually marry me, and it was just time spent in my life going crazy. In the last 3 boyfriends, i go into the same sort of "routine" of reading relationship books because i feel that these men really know how to make a woman feel like it's their fault. Well i swore i wouldn't let it happen again. I honeslty think that most of these men can never realize what THEY have done wrong on the other hand here i am, always appologizing and trying to talk it out to understand the person more after an hour or the next day. I am very quick to realizing things that i may have contributed to the argument, but unfortunatley men think that that means you accept the blame. I just want to meet a man who can acknowledge what they did wrong in their half of the argument like talk down to me, be demanding and yell at me.

I think they are both in need of a wake up call. First, leave the guy and try to understand that if you have no sex, you have no marriage. Second, leave the guy who only wanted sex. He did not love you, he just wanted what he could not have. Third, I hope someday you find someone who you truely love and that will treat you like he treats himself..with respect. Good Luck!

Okay. I am truly shocked! My daughter's father and I must have a lot of emotions flying around. Neither of us can talk to the other without becoming argumentative. So much so that we hang up the phone on each other or one of us has to leave the room to avoid hitting the other. There has not been any intimacy between us in 11 years, but we both love our daughter. Now I'm wondering if some of this anger is sexual tension? On the other hand I recently got involved with a man who had been pursuing me for 3 or 4 years. I would carry on friendly, playful conversations with him. I finally gave in to his sexual advances. We had the best sex ever for a month and he disappeared and has not called me in about 3 weeks. I was hard to get that long, and now--nothing! I don't know what to say about that one. Any comments?

Yes, people shall love UNconditionally. Watch FIREPROOF, a Christian Movie. It teaches you that LOVE is not a "feeling" but a CHOICE. Forgiveness in a Biblical way is the ONLY way 2 people can live together and GROW in loving each other.

I'm wondering what to do about my boyfriend/ex-husband who keeps thinking the solution to our problems (or his own issues) is to create space from me. To give some history: Before we got married, we'd been dating for ~6 years and during that time we would argue a lot but we also had a lot of passion. I constantly was testing his love for me b/c I was scared he'd leave me one day. I had a lot of abandonment issues- (my mom left me at a very young age and I had a rough childhood all the way until I turned about 23). Also, b/c I'm a product of divorce I didn't want to ever get a divorce so I wanted him to be 150% sure he wanted to be with me. After we got married things changed in the sense that every time we'd have an argument he would want to leave the relationship- asking for separation; finally years later one night, he asked again and I gave him what he wanted. During the time we were separated I went through a bad phase of drinking a lot and using recreational drugs to deal with my problems. I loved him SO much and I wanted the amrriage to work SO much, but I had friends advising me to leave him and that he was trying to change me, etc etc. So anyways- things got so out of hand I actually met someone one night and ended up being intimate with this person. I felt horrible. I'd always been so against cheating. I knew if I told him, he'd leave me but in the end- I did tell him. He left. I was even MORE devasated. I decided then to turn my life around. I stopped drinking, drugs, smoking, changed my circle of friends and did A LOT of soul searching. The divorce was a catalyst to get me to work on my flaws and be a better person. I calmed down A LOT and I FEEL like a much stronger, secure, and "better" person. Then he came back a year and half later. He said he'd forgiven me for what had happened and realized that he had contributed to pushing me away and made mistakes also and indirectly contributed to the final "straw that broke the camels back" so-to-speak. I was a little weary but so thrilled he wanted me back and so we got BACK together and I really was/am different this time. I remembered how I DIDN'T want to be again and that helped me to treat him the way he DESERVES. Things were great. He had promised me before we got back together that he would never "run away" from problems with me again, if we ever had issues we'd seea counselor and try everything possible to make it work. After a couple of months, I noticed he wasn't spending as much time with me (I hardly saw him but even when he did have time we hardly spent it together), we were not as intimate as we were before the divorce even...finally about 3 weeks ago I confronted him, and he told me that he is really happy with me, he loves me more now than ever, but he still keeps thinking of what I did (cheated on him) and he can not stop thinking about it so he needs space- maybe a month, maybe two. And that if I meet someone else in the interim I am free to pursue that b/c he knows it's not fair for me to wait. I was shocked! I cried but I didn't put up a fuss. I left. I was upset for 3 days and then I forgave him b/c I was trying to see it from his position. So, in the mean time I don't know if I'm coming or going with him, and as of last week, he spoke with me over the phone and told me he wants me back again and wants to go for counselling. All my girl friends, my sister, my parents, grandmother, are all upset with him and I get the feeling they want me to tell him to take a hike. BUT I can't. I love him too much to just walk away until I know we have tried everything...but at the same time I'm scared to try again b/c it's not easy to go back and forth and invest in someone emotionally ALL over again only to be hurt ALL over I falling into a pattern of some sort of emotional abuse? Should I just be patient since it's my fault he is feeling the way he is? How do I prevent him from running away again? help!!!

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