I bet a lot of you are heading off to college this year, bright eyed freshman with no idea that your newly acquired independence will put you in close proximity with several groups of people who are going to get on your nerves. A lot. Unless you're one of them, of course, but hopefully, recognizing your behavior will make you temper it a little bit. College is like a microcosm of the real world, sure, but it's also a larger version of high school life. There are cliques, some the same you experienced during your for years of high school, and some different. And within each clique are dominant personality types – they make up the central group of college kids you should be aware of, just in case you want to avoid them. Or join them, even, who knows? Continue on.
Actually, I've got to correct myself. You should be aware of club girls and club boys. I promise you, there will be many. These are not people who go to clubs for the fun of it, oh no – for that is a cherished college pastime, and it is perfectly acceptable. On the contrary, these people act like they're audition for Jersey Shore, The Real World: College Town, or the Bad Girl's Club. They go to look good, to creep on other beautiful people, and to make fun of everyone who isn't as … good looking … as they are.
Every college has a guy like this. You have to be on the lookout for I-Got-So-Wasted girls, too, but sorry fellas, the guys are a little more prevalent in this category. Sure, college kids drink, but this guy is completely self destructive. He'll get wasted early with such regularity that his friends don't even bother writing on his face anymore. He'll show up in his girlfriends nightie. He'll “regale” you with stories that invariably begin “Dude! I got SO wasted last night!” And it will stop being funny the tenth time. At that point, you'll just wish he'd go to AA.
Now, I love smart people. They're my favorite kind. And naturally, in general, if you've gotten into college, you're pretty smart. The Brain, however, is a murderous curve-killer. This kid does so good, at everything, all the time, no matter what, that on those occasions when the entire class tanked on an exam, it doesn't matter, because he or she was perfect. Worse, this Brain is happy when others totally bite it. The Brain wants to be King (or Queen) of the Mountain.
This happens all the time. Drinking and drugs happen in college, we all know this. However, this kid has an older brother or cousin who smuggled him some beer or something more herbal, which he “shared” with his friends – i.e., he totally sold it to him. So, he starts to feel like he's Tony Montana. He is not.
This is generally a girl, I have no idea why. But abbreviations are her entirely life. If she can abbreviate it, she will. It's not just “omg,” “wtf,” “brb,” “ttyl,” or “fml” here. She will make up new abbreviations, and she will actually say them out loud. She will say to you, in conversations, “Omg, I legit gtg smg (see my gynecologist), it's obvi been too long but whatev, it's fine,” and you will never know what she is saying – which is probably just as well.
This kid has to be a distant relation to the Brain. He or she will ask questions constantly – which, though annoying, is usually fine. Usually. However, the moment your professor starts to hint that you might get out of class early, the Buzz Kill begins sniffing the air, like a lion who has just sensed a sick gazelle. His or her hand will shoot up, and the Buzz Kill will begin shooting question after difficult, complicated question, so that the class actually goes over its time as the professor is forced to give long, drawn out answers that no one else cares about.
In general, there is nothing wrong with the Broadway Kid. Broadway is awesome, and musicals are fun. Until half of your door room gets splattered with posters and pictures and figurines and ticket stubs and programs from Wicked or RENT or How to Succeed in Business. It's overkill in its purest form and you might end up with poison green walls as a result.
Why is this kid at college? If you room with this kid, you're going to feel lonely and unloved, because the Great Disappearing Roommate goes home every single weekend, in addition to every holiday and break. Always. People will begin to think you're lying about having a roommate, or they'll think you've killed her and hidden her in the closet. Wtf, though, it's obvi she legit goes home every weekend, it's totes np.
Are there more college kids you should be aware of? Probably. However, this is the core group of personality archetypes that tend to get the most attention – the majority of it negative. Don't worry if you carry one or two traits; there's still hope for you! And really, while some of these are irksome, no one seriously minds them, and they do have their place – like Drunk Guy, Club Girl, and Wannabe Scarface. However, don't you ever start asking questions when class might let out early! What's wrong with you?!
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