Aftermath
****
It`s been four days since I was fired. I have a variety of theories as to why it happened, with varying distributions of fault between me and the firm. I know that my work here hasn`t been perfect, but I was, after all, a first year associate. I tried hard. Sometimes, I wasn`t able to complete a job as efficiently as they would have liked. Sometimes, my concentration was hampered by confusion and hindered by my status as an ingenue.
I can hate myself a little bit for my failings, but not that much.
I`ve spoked to a few recruiters, and sent out resumes to colleagues I know at other firms. Something will come together. The questions are: when? what will it pay? will I like it better?
Outside of the normal dissaray left in the wake of sudden unemployment, this also forced my hand regarding the house I was supposed to close on at the end of the month. I pulled the contract. There is no word yet as to whether I`ll get my deposit back or not. I feel bad for the couple that I was supposed to buy the house from. They`ve already moved out, and were confident that they could wash their hands of this property, and now they may have to carry two mortgages simultaneously. Uggh.
That`s what is most galling about this situation: The ripple-effect this decision will have on people who had no say and no power over whether I performed well at this job.
One more complaint about the method of this madness: This firm did me a great disservice when it cut me loose just before the holiday season. If they knew about this decision a month ago, they should have severed me then rather than waiting for this time of year. Everyone is busy sipping eggnog, and no one is really thinking about personnel needs.
Sigh.
In any case, despite the anger and fear and insecurity I feel in the aftermath of this, I`m actually feeling pretty good about my future. I wasn`t very happy at this place. Although I would have preferred to leave on my own terms, I think that leaving this firm is probably the best thing that could happen in terms of preserving my own contentment.