Some of the local moms are discussing how their daycares handle baby aggression; some others are upset at a playground incident that seems more serious than just baby bites. A mother was watching her two year old explore the playground equipment when the little one ran into trouble with a four year old boy. Apparently, he was mean to her, physically and verbally, wouldn’t let her go up the stairs, and looked to be gearing up to push the little girl down them. When the older child’s mother finally arrived on the scene, she dismissed it all with a wave. “Oh, he’s only four, he doesn’t know any better”. Um. Excuse me? No apology to the mom, no intervention to explain to her son how to behave properly? How does this woman expect her child to  learn proper behavior, pull it out of thin air?

So I put together a few suggestions I learned from my positive parenting books. My son has been the biter, hitter, kicker — and the bitee, and recipient of all other forms of childish out bursts, too.

I can say I’d much rather my son be the recipient than the one who dishes it out, mostly because I don’t freak out about this kind of stuff, and am always worried about another parent’s reaction to what is a ‘normal’ phase of toddler behavior. I say this, with caveats, having watched a kid punch mine in the stomach recently — and was shocked, until his mom and I figured out why it happened and it was all good.

Hell’s bells, I wish I could throw a temper tantrum sometimes, too.

No child is ‘too young’ to learn what proper behavior is all about. For toddlers, proper modeling, redirection, and constant vigilance are the keys. Children do not know how to control their impulses at this young age; a parent or caregiver must act as an external conscience. If a child acts out against another one, the adult in the situation should do several things:

Intervene. “Oh, my, little one, we use gentle touch with other people.” Pick up the child’s hand and stroke it. “Gentle Gentle!”

Offer empathy for the child who was hit/bit: “I’m sure she’s sad now, what can we do to make her feel better.” And then pat the place the child was hurt. Blow on it. Make a big deal of cleaning up the wound (especially if it’s a bite or a scratch) and putting a bandage on. Offer the offender the chance to make things better. Don’t force an apology, but you can voice one for the offender, saying, ‘I’m sure [hitter] is sad she did that to you/sorry she did that” etc. Remember, a toddler isn’t necessarily sorry she did it!

Offer a distraction, such as another toy, or separate the children for a while. Offer sympathy for the child who was wronged, and talk about how to make things right.

My four year old knows better than to be mean to other children, especially smaller ones. He’s often patting and hugging the smallest kids on the playground, and takes it upon himself to be their champion — sometimes to the point where he’s being rude to the older children! Sigh.

But that playground boy’s mother was doing him absolutely no favors by making excuses for him and not taking the opportunity to teach kindness. If a child hears “Oh, he’s too young for that”, if a child’s parent does not model proper behavior, if a parent does not teach his or her child what appropriate behavior is, and ignores it, dismisses it, or denies it…

what message is that parent teaching the child, but that it doesn’t matter how you treat other people, because there will always be an excuse?

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My son suddenly latched onto a baby doll yesterday. We’ve had some sort of doll around the room for him to play with since he was a little baby, but for some reason, this little thing was just what he wanted yesterday. He dressed her, he kissed her, he rocked her and patted her. He dragged her around by the neck and forgot about her. And when it came time for bed, he tucked her into his bed and then exclaimed, “Oh, I forgot her milk!” and ran all the way downstairs to fetch a thoroughly pretend bottle of milk (we don’t have any play bottles of milk, you see).

She sat in his lap while we read stories, and he made her laugh.

So nice to see. I don’t know any men who would cringe at the thought of a boy playing with a doll, not at this young age. I’m glad to see that stereotype has changed. My only thought for the evening is to provide a wide range of toys to encourage a young child’s imagination, and not limit yourself or the little one by too much of one ‘type’ of toy or another.

Tonight, I’m going to sew snaps on the little baby carrier that came with the doll, since the velcro just doesn’t cut it. He wants to be able to wear the baby like his mama wore him, like all his mama friends do. I think he’ll make a fine papa when his time comes. Just please, don’t let it come too soon.

At play, boys, dolls, gender bias, gender specific toys, girls, mom, motherhood, Mothering, mothers, trucks