1. You Start out so Determined
You're so ready. You want a new job so bad. You're going to rock this job search. Everything good will happen to you.
2. You're an Eager Little Shark
You probably make this face. This is your shark smile. You're eager and hungry and ready.
3. You Feel Tremendous Confidence in Yourself
Everyone you approach will instantly want to hire you. They will be so charmed by your introductory email that they will not even need to read your gorgeous, impeccable resume that cost you $2.99.
4. You're Excited about All the Possibilities
So many jobs, so many positions, so many opportunities – and they're all just waiting for you to pluck them like ripe fruit!
5. You're so Wide-eyed and Hopeful
You know, you just know that there's something else out there for you, something new and different and fulfilling.
6. But then the Anxiety Comes
How come no one's getting back to you? Is your email working? Maybe Gmail's down. Maybe your internet isn't working. That must be it.
7. And It's Quickly Followed by Insecurity
What if you're not as awesome as you think you are? What if you're destined to remain in the dead-end job that's currently sucking the soul out of your body?
8. Self-doubt Comes Soon after
Yup. You suck. No one is ever going to hire you. You will remain stuck where you are until they sack you.
9. Then You Hit the Denial Stage
Denial. IT'S NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT ANYMORE.
10. You Become Irrationally Angry
You're angry at everyone. Your current employer, yourself, everyone you reached out to, and even the employers and hiring managers you haven't reached out to yet.
11. Now You're Drowning in Disappointment
What went wrong? What happened? What did you do? What could you do better?
13. You Start Thinking about Therapy
There is obviously something wrong with you, after all. You are broken and awful and no one wants to employ you. Therapy is so expensive, though, and you won't even have insurance until you get a new damn job …
15. All Your Motivation Drains Away
Why bother being motivated? No one wants to work with you. Being unmotivated is infinitely easier.
16. So You Start Cyber-stalking Everywhere You Applied
Why? So you can pinpoint all the ways they suck, of course, and convince yourself of how much better off you are.
17. And Convince Yourself That You Will Find Something
And you will. The right job is waiting for you, no matter how dark your prospects seem right now. We are not unemployable, damn it! There's always tomorrow. Oh, god … there's always tomorrow.