So, it`s been awhile since I`ve written here. I suppose that`s a common problem with blogging. Trying to sustain a life and document it simultaneously requires a level of commitment that I guess I haven`t fully embraced yet.
And there`s the topic of this entry. Commitment.
I`ve realized lately that I`m lonely. It`s been a year since my last relationship. I`m ready to try it again.
Last week, I went to a bar with some girlfriends. I did not go to meet anyone. Of course, that`s when these things happen. I`m idly sitting there sucking on a vodka soda, thinking about how I should really get my ass in gear and go home...I have to work tomorrow...the usual barrage of good intentions. Anyway, this guy beelines at me from across the bar. And he`s cute, and smart, and funny...and is talking to me in the midst of all my girlfriends...BALLSY. My girlfriends move on to the next bar, I stay. 2 hours later, we`ve exchanged cards, and he`s kissed me goodnight. We email, schedule a date for saturday night. Stellar.
Fast forward to saturday night...great date. Dinner is nice, drinks are good and not over the top too many. He invites me back to his place. He knows I`m not going to sleep with him. I dont. He cuddles me. It feels good. Only red flags are that he is slightly politically on the right, and is 7 years younger than me. Ok, those are significant-- but we agree we want to hang out again.
I talk to him tonight on the phone. He starts out with an immediate discussion about how his work is really important to him right now-- he wants it to be a priority. So, I shouldn`t freak out if we dont see eachother every day...maybe even only once every couple weeks. I`m a little dissappointed, but I push a little. He`s a pretty direct person, so I basically am looking to finagle a "real deal" answer here. Is he saying this because he doesn`t want "instant girlfriend" and wants to pre-empt any standard female clingy bullshit? Or is he trying to let me down easy?
My gut tells me that I really like this guy, and I wish he wanted to immediately hang out a ton. But my rationale tells me that I have to take things slow if I want anything real. So, I have to stuff instinct and gut into a back closet somewhere, and just go slow. He says he`s into it, and we have plans for thursday night....but still, something is raising a red flag. I don`t need commitment right away...but can`t we enjoy the initial thrill a little? isn`t there a way to balance honesty and reasoned approach with the thrill of the beginning of hanging out with someone you really like?
I guess the benefit is that we will be forced to get to know one another. Infatuation will be slightly kaiboshed in the face of reasoned approach. But it feels hard to me. I want some free-wheeling love in my life again.
Oh well. We`ll see how things move along...if I can manage to prevent my anxiety and squelched shit from the last few months under wraps long enough to let things take their course.