7 Hazards of a Chocolate Shortage ...

I’ve just read a book set in the Prohibition era. Now, a ban on alcohol wouldn’t bother me, but I got to thinking about what I would find it impossible to live without. The conclusion was chocolate. What a horrendous thought! I’m scaring myself just writing this. How would I cope if it were banned, or if there was a shortage for some reason – what would the wider consequences be …

1. PMS

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If guys think that we’re unbearable now when we are in the grips on PMS, imagine what we’d be like if we didn’t have chocolate to calm us down (relatively speaking). It would be hell in female form. Still, on the plus side, any disputes would be easily and quickly solved by sending in a squad of women suffering from Permanent Menstrual Tension.

2. Cocoa Farms

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The poor cocoa farmers. Think of how their livelihood would suffer if we chocoholics couldn’t purchase our fix. I’m sure that I singlehandedly keep a few cocoa farms in business just on my own, so the wider implications are terrifying.

3. Black Market

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You can bet your boots that in any shortage, there would still be those who could get their hands on chocolate supplies – at a price to the consumer. It wouldn’t be long before a thriving black market sprung up, and then we’d be faced with a choice between doing without, or selling our granny for a bar. Goodbye Granny.

4. Prices

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Even if the black market scenario didn’t come about, any shortage would naturally lead to higher prices in the stores. Of course, chocolate is an essential food group, if you didn’t already know, so we would simply have to find the room in our budget to accommodate its purchase. Who needs fresh fruit and vegetables anyway?

5. Supermarket Rage

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And then there’s the prospect of scenes of rage in the supermarket, as desperate women fight over the last bar on the shelves. It would make a heavyweight boxing match look like two puppies yapping. Plus women would be queuing up for days waiting for the next delivery to come in, and fights would break out as they accused each other of pushing in ahead.

6. Baby Boom

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It’s well-documented by scientists that eating chocolate produces a similar reaction in the brain to when we fall in love. So the natural consequence of a chocolate shortage would be that we would have to distract ourselves somehow. Years ago, there was always a baby boom after a cold winter, and if we didn’t have chocolate to keep us happy then sex would be another option.

7. Lost

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Then there’s the possibility that quite simply, we wouldn’t know what to do in the event of a chocolate shortage. We’d be so confused we wouldn’t know if we were coming or going, or what to do with ourselves. The streets would be filled with the chocolate-deprived equivalent of zombies who stagger around seeking brains.

My fellow chocolate lovers, take this as a warning. It is our duty to ensure that this horrifying event never happens. We must ensure that our right to eat chocolate is enshrined in the Constitution, and that we encourage its production by consuming as much as possible …

Top Photo Credit: Stu_Jo

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