A preface: Beliebers, I’m sorry, but this is big news; anti-Beliebers, I’m also sorry, but this is funny. There was only one piece of news today viral enough to derail the current Kardashian trainwreck. There is a girl accusing Justin Bieber of fathering her child – and she is serious. The internet has gone insane. I’m not making any judgment calls really, because the news speaks for itself. In fact, it’s a little too graphic for me, and I live for South Park and Adult Swim humor.

Mariah Yeater, now 20, alleges that she and Bieber had sex when she was 19 and he was 16. Mariah has said that she was invited backstage with some other girls and that the “mutual attraction” she and Biebs felt for each other was immediate, so they started kissing – what, in front of all the other groupies? Saying that he wanted to “make love” to her, he then took her to find some place private. Here is the rest of her account, via Gawker but in her own words:

“After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone — a bathroom.

“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*ck the sh*t out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection [sic], but he insisted that he did not want to.

“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to feel everything.

“He was on top of me with my legs around him. At the time I was on top of some type of shelf. The sexual intercourse itself was brief, lasting only approximately 30 seconds.”

Uh. I don’t even. And I’m not sure, in what world, you don’t insist that your teen idol wears a condom … unless, you know, I don’t know, you’re maybe planning for him to be a baby-daddy later?  Also, that 30 seconds bit is … wow.  Poor Biebs.

This was Justin’s reaction:

What’s yours? Do you find this truthful, appalling, funny, boring? Are you glad I ditched my first instinct to interweave the titles of Justin’s songs all throughout this blog?

 Top Image Source: weheartit.com