I may be seeing a friend in “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” in central New Jersey on Saturday night. Anybody care to join me?

Inspired by all the running blogs I’ve read recently, I decided to run a marathon today after work.

A marathon, by definition, is 26.2 miles. I did no training, but I am in terrific shape provided that shape is round. I was dressed in my usual crappy sneakers, a t-shirt, and sweatpants. I started off from the front of my condo building with a light jog, then I began to realize how long 26.2 miles were and decided that as a beginner, perhaps I should cut the number down a bit. I trimmed ninety percent off the distance. I would jog 2.6 miles. I then realized that even that seemed a little bit too much, so I reduced it by another ninety percent. I would jog 0.26 miles.

A block away from my condo, I realized I needed to go to the bathroom, so I ran back to my condo and used the facilities. I then went back outside to start again and realized I was hungry. I ran down the street to the Burger King where I ate two double cheeseburgers for the price of one (I love coupons). I tried running after that, but I became thirsty and tired after my meal and went back to my home for a drink of water and a nap.

Finally ready for my marathon, I began to trot down the street in a leisurely fashion. As I approached mile .1, I began to have a pain in my rib. It may have been the burgers. Also, my feet were beginning to hurt from the constant banging against the concrete. I went back to my condo to take another nap for recovery.

When I got up, it was fairly dark out, but I was determined to run my marathon. I drank some water, went to the bathroom again, and went outside. Keeping a leisurely pace, mindful of when I actually began my marathon, I ran it in 5 hours, 57 minutes.

This is why I don’t run marathons.

UPDATE: OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED CHEF! YOU BASTARDS!