I got up this morning determined to ignore the white stuff as much as possible. I cranked the heat up, turned on the Global Lounge channel (cranked that up too), and put on shorts and a tank top. I left the blinds open so all my neighbors outside shoveling their driveways could see me dancing around like Cameron Diaz in Charlie’s Angles.

I’m word slinging today. On my little sabbatical a few weeks back I managed to write four pieces. Two of which were substantial submissions to magazines that you might have heard of. I am still looking for a literary agent and have some follow-up to do on that.

I have a little roof leak issue to deal with. About a year after moving into the house (within the warranty period) there was a major hail storm. Some of the roofs in my neighborhood were damaged. When my insurance company came out to inspect my roof, they noticed that a piece of flashing had not been installed on a corner piece. I called the builder and they sent a contractor out to fix the problem. That was two years ago.

When I got back on Wednesday, I found a puddle in my kitchen. At first I thought “dogs” but they were at the kennel. I looked up and the water was coming out of a recessed light fixture… that I had already turned on. There was also some bubbling on the wall. Very not good.

Not so coincidentally this was exactly below the place were the flashing had been left off. I think the repair job was inadequate. I will have to wait and see. I’m guessing the reason the leak had not appeared up until this point has to do with the amount of snow compared to previous years.

I sometimes seriously consider moving into a loft downtown. But I like free parking and the absence of hypodermic needles.

I took this my last day in Malibu. I think I left a little of myself back there. We talked last night.

I have learned from keeping this public journal that often it’s more difficult to not write something because it always seeps out somewhere else. I’ll just get it out and move on. I’ve closed comments.

On Saturday I wore a grin from ear to ear. My gums were dry from the exposure. Even before pulling up to the curb I could see he was wearing a Santa hat. He called me Mrs. Claus and had a candy cane for me. That’s not crafty sexual innuendo… he had a candy cane. We went directly to the Coffee Bean for my favorite chai latte anywhere on the planet. He looked really good to me. I felt rescued and there was no snow anywhere.

Santa’s on an in-line hockey team so we hurried off to make his game. I sat with the other players wives and we watched the men play. This is the first time it happened. A thought in my head. I’ll explain later, but this was the first time. So I sat there admiring the way men interact with each other. It’s all very provocative to me.

Driving to his house, this was the first time I had been there. We always met in places where neither of us lived. Mainly because of our professions, but on some level we both liked keeping our relationship separate from our daily life. When we’d rendezvous like this it felt like steeling time together.

He had a tree and I was impressed. I can’t say enough about how welcome I felt. Not just by all of the preparations but, he embraced me in every way. We talked, laughed, drank a little too much and stayed up late. It was hard to sleep. I got up and went to brush my teeth. His bedroom is sort of sunken and I severely stubbed my toe on a tiled step. I was bleeding and he got me all bandaged up. It was nice to be taken care of. It felt safe.

I finally got to brushing my teeth and it happened again. What happened before… the thought. That’s twice, but this time it came with a physical feeling in my gut. Ever make a wrong call on something and get that instant bad feeling. I thought about it for awhile.

In the morning we got up slowly and lingered. I checked my email while he made some calls. Lots of ecards from the readers here. Well wishes. Again, the thought happened again. I watched from the window as he sat on the steps outside reading the Wall Street Journal. I thought hard about how easy it would be to love him.

We drove down to La Jolla to meet his parents and family for Christmas Eve. They live on a boat and had it decorated with lights and garland. His Mom made this amazing oyster stew. His dad enjoyed the fact that I was drinking whiskey with him. My new drink of choice these days. We took a stroll down to the shoreline. It was surprisingly cold. From this point on everything felt to me like some sort of betrayal. (I know I’m being vague still)

I fell asleep on the ride home. He calls me baby. “Baby, we’re home.”

At this point it was hard for me to stop thinking about that thing, that thought. I went straight to sleep. All reason dictates that I am a complete fool. I know that. I woke up a few hours later and attempted to convince myself that I was being unrealistic in my thinking and beat myself up mentally by rehashing things in my head.

He realized something was wrong and I deflected his concerns well into the morning. Which I half heartedly regret.

But…..

In the morning we exchanged gifts. In the afternoon we went to Christmas brunch. At night we talked and I ended it.

Because I still care about someone else.